Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I'm Just Tired

Lack of sleep has fuled our relationship from the start. At first time zones were to blame, later it was a baby that to this day requires very little sleep. In reality though throughout the entire sleepless 9 years a huge part of the missing sleep was down to sneaking onto chat sites during the night and guilt that kept him awake.

I have felt the affect is had on him, in the way he talks, looks and acts. I have ask many times what the issue is. More often than not his response has been " I am just tired". I have rarely believed him, always said it felt like more than lack of sleep and rarely argued my gut against his claims of being tired. It wasn't worth the argument that would come if I pressed for some better answer.

Lately that mask has once again surounded him and even after all that we have been dealing with and the knowledge that I know the details and the truth, the only response I have gotten is thst he is tired. 

I don't believe it for a minute, but how do I force him to be responsible for his own actions and still coddle the truth out of him. It is an impossible situation so long as he chooses to keep what ever it is a secret. 

Friday, September 19, 2014

How the Heck?!?

Inside these three super cute, personalized bags you can find the source of a huge chunk of my stress! 

Why is it that Elementary aged children ( Pre-K through 1st grade ) have so much homework and papers? 5 and 6 year olds should not spend all afternoon doing home work! Not to mention that this is not work that any of them can do on their own. 

Someone has to sit with them and do each and every step and problem with them. 

They all have Multiple book to read each day, they all have individual activities to do with each book. ( we have a cloth book bag with activities and a ziplock bag with a book and questions for two of the kids, one library book that seems to change daiky, and a ziplock bag with a book for the third child ) None of which they can do on their own. They each need and deserve individual time. Then two of them have site words ( flash cards at the moment ). The work actually comes with instructions for the parents. 

On top of this each child seems to bring home half of a tree in papers, notes, i announcements, schedules, book sales ect every day. We are what 6 weeks in so far. I have glued a fair amount of stuff in their life books already and filled a trash bag and a half with a lot of notes abd such.

How the heck I am supposed to remember who has what special on what day ( who can wear sandals versus tennus shoes ) who has snack on what day and who has a special event going on is beyond me. Partly because some if them empty their back packs before they get buckled in the car, and partly because I have mo idea what papers belong to who???

Today was a perfect example of why I should be eating anxiety meds by the handfull! I a stabding at the stove trying to through together some sandwiches for dinner, S ( whos is nearly 16 and God's personal gift to my sanity ) is holding a manilla envelope from one of the kid's backpacks, she is reading the instructions outloud to me

Meanwhile, T, who I am quickly realizing needs to change the time we are giving hin his anxiety meds because about 4:30-5:00 pm he seems to take a sharp emotional nose dive, anyway T is standing practically on top of my feet saying " grandma, grandma, grandma…while you were at the store I accidentally picked my sore that you said not to pick, what is fior dinner, I did my homework, I Accidently picked my sore, I didn't mean too but it was an accident" all the while nervously twitching his fingers and trying to hold on to his game controler and kind of anxiously wiggling.

At the same time L is practically hanging off of  my leg saying " grandma what is for dinner, can we have pickles and a popsicle, can we have a snack, is it bed time yet, T got a band aide can I have a band aide, why does T have a band aide"

At the same time Margaret is just to the side of me inspecting every item that I just brought in for dinner. Maybe because she can't hear so instead of asking she just looks. But the non-stop lack od boundries is doing my head in. 

I can see K standing at the door, game controler in hand watching the chaos. No doubt she came to find out what is for dinner and why did T stop playing his game ( they play together from two seperate consoles ) she looks over whelmed and sad really.

Like me I think my Bug ( K ) misses piece and quiet. After moving here we often spent long days with very little noise, Bug and I would paint, some times S woukd  paint too. They are both tech junkies, S into music and movies and Bug into her mine craft or educational games on the computer and my husband at work off doing his own thing. I miss those days some times.

T talks extremely loud, Margaret is hearing impared so she talks loud and has the TV and music up loud all at once, L talks all the time and there are multiple tv's and video games and everyone talking all at once. I find it all to be too much to often. It is so loud all the time, I simply would like a quiet day!  

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Tummy Hurt sooooo bad!!!

Well, where to start????

Things, unpacking, converting the garage, building a storage shed so that we can empty the garage in order to convert it…everything pretty much at a screeching hault. 

Last week, on Tuesday, I dropped the kids off at school. Monday had been hell! At my husband's multiple requests I called my PCP and ask for an appointment to have a spot looked at on my leg and to see if I could discuss my inability to sleep.

The spot on my leg made the nurse squeeze me in that day. I tried telling them it was a tiny spot and I only wanted it looked at because it seemed to triple in size in the last couple weeks, but it is still very tiny. 

Mind you I use the VA for medical care. They all seemed rather disapointed that I didn't have a tumor the size of Texas on my leg. But all were again lively when I brought up my lack of sleep. I had to explain the sorted mess of my life to the nurse, who then went to seek help from the nurse in charge, who needed me to again explain why I needed meds to sleep. 

The nurse in charge decides that instead of asking my PCP to give me meds she needed to escort me to mental health and loudly wisper to one person and then another and on and on. I felt like a fool in the waiting area with all the other mental patients looking at me thinking " ohhh her husband cheated on her and she has had a mental breakdown" I so badly wanted to yell out " his therapist swears I am not crazy!!! I just need sleep that is all!!!" 

Instead I get called back ahead of all the people that were there before me, like I might flip out at any minute. 

So I have to tell the therapist the sorted details. She openly gasp when she ask if my husband was out of the home and I said " no! He has a disease, of course I didn't leave him!" 

By the end of that conversation I was shaking, really really shaking and completely done with this whole mess. But I let her escort me to the waiting area, watched through the cracked open door as she stopped the doctor and discussed my situation then ushered me back through the door and into the doctor's office. I again repeat the unnerving details of my life over the last six months. By then I was crying and really done. 

Then the doctor has the nerve to ask me questions but cut me off and not allow me to fully answer. For example, " your sister has moved in with you, is she able to help clean up and take care of the kids ?"  I try to say " some of the kids are in DHS custody and she is not allowed to watch them or care for them because her disabilities prevent her from taking the training, yes she cleans but her way of doing thinks makes me crazy" the doctor just wanted yes or no…after the 3rd time she cut me off, I came unglued! I ask her why on earth she would be so rude to someone who is cleary  on the verge of completely loosing it? Why ask a damn question if I am not allowed to answer?

So she attempted to tell me 4 times that she squeezed me in and does not have much time and needs one or two word answers. I made it a point to cut her off every time. I finally said " look I can be just as rude as you and considering my current stress level I am sure I can do this a lot longer than you can, so lets get on with your one word answers, if your that strapped for time move on to your questions" and so she did.

I left with a bottle of pills that I was supposed to take one any time I feel stressed out, another if needed and one at bed time. 

I looked the meds up on my phone and stuck them in the cup holder and headed home. It seems that when I stopped for a drink on the way home and threw out my lunch trash I also threw out the pills. Maybe I stuck them back in the bag and not the cup holder?

So Tuesday after dropping off the kids, I stopped and purchased over the counter sleep meds. I slept all day Tuesday and felt really yucky when I did wake up.

Seems I was in day one of the stomach flu. 7 days later I barely have managed to crawl back to life and leave the bed. Everyone else managed to keep the important things going, like school, food and daily meds for the kids.

A couple days ago I managed to do a few things, then a little more yesterday and a whole lot today. It has been a complete wasted week but at least I slept! 

This is what I managed to do yesterday...

Friday, September 12, 2014

Twice Impressed

I have the oldest looking hands, my mother's wrinkly old lady hands. People used to notice it when I was in elementary school. I am sure they look even worse because I often forget to use lotion. But my old looking hands are not the subject of my blog today. Several weeks ago my husband made it clear thay he is uncomfortable with me not wearing a wedding ring, but understands why I refuse to wear the ring that we got married with. So in this conversation I suggested an intermittent ring until I am ready to wear a wedding ring, which will never be the ring we were married with.
He said " like a promise ring? I would be good with that" 

So our first rings came in two parts, he bought the bands in the UK, and took me to purchase the engagement ring, he said he wanted me to help pick it out so that I would like it. But that turned into pure craziness. Having spent a lot of time in the military, having grown up doing a lot of manual labor, simply being me, I wanted something small, something that didn't get caught on things, something simple. He wanted a huge flashy " look what he put on my finger " kind of ring. 

Also knowing that we were looking at six months or more before he would be allowed to work, I wanted cheap, yes cheap and simple. 

In the end it didn't really matter considering that the rings were never honored in our marriage.

So in looking for the intermittant ring, I found a lot of inexpensive rings that I liked. We will some day design a set of wedding rings for us, and I am still one to save money when we can.

He bought me this ring  

For the record I love this ring, but it is way to big and bulky. To me it is better suited for a night out or a special occasion. But at a size 5 it firs loose enough that it constantly turns and it gets caught on every thing. 

When he orderd the ring he said " if you don't like it I will buy you a different one, until we find you that you do like"

I do love the ring but not for every day wear. So recently he ordered me another ring. 

Smaller, less bulky and good for daily wearing. And of course inexpensive. 

I have been sick for several days. Only leaving the bed to throw up or soak my achey body in a hot bath.

The ring arrived to me being so shaky from the fever that I barely managed yo open it. I had forgotten about it and thought it was my daughter's birthday present arriving.

So I sent him a pic
And get a response that I can put it on right now! So I did, and I really do love it! 

The other really sweet thing he did this week, besides soup and crakers and dealing with kids…today on his lunch break he came to check on me. I am getting worn out from being this sick for this long. All I wanted was to snuggle up and sleep. So instead of lunch he spent his lunch break laying in our bed, arms wrapped around a very sick me, just holding me while I slept in his arms. 

That is the kind of stuff that means the most to me! 


Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Cowards Way

Things have been somewhat hectic the last few days. A nasty storm blew in and tore the neighborhood up a bit. The neighbors lost their swimming pool, swingset and a lot of their fence.

That of course is not why I need to write a blog. It is just a little tidbit if my life as it stands at the moment.

I need to write besically because I am to cowardly to have an affair. If I could bring myself to have an affair then I would have a place to go and someone to comfort me when my husband chooses to emotionally smack me in the face.

This time his family have been swiping at me for days and he swore that if I just gave him a few days to think about what he wanted to say he would defend me and tell them all that what they are doing is not right. He has gone on about how mad he is about how they have been toward me. But in the end he still can not bring himself to defend me, instead he sent them an email that I was not included in and said for them to not to send any emails any more as this is none of their or my business.

So sine I am to much of a coward to have an affair and find comfort in some person who might consider treating me the way I should be treated, I am sitting in my car alone, crying because my husband is an ass who never has and never will actually defend me when I am right and because he has never kept a promise to me, ever and because even though he has put me through hell none of this is my business.

I should walk away and never look back, but again I am a coward, I fear being without this person who really does not deserve or appriciate me. I don't know why that is, I have never feared being alone and honestly crave it these days. It is him that I don't want to be without, which makes me pretty pathetic really.


Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Blame Game

My current mood is about as dreary as the idea of spending a hot August afternoon at this place without any shade or shelter. Not great to say the least.

It has been a rough few weeks with non-stop working on the house, packing, moving and trying to find space for all of our things. The exhaustion surely has made the emotional stuff even more difficult. 

The one bright spot for me was when my husband took a giant leap forward and told his family the truth about, well pretty much his whole life. 

The things that have came out in therapy have been emotionally painful for him and for me as well. I have felt the entire time that he needs his family's support but not giving them the truth, the full truth pretty much compares to attempting to treat cancer with a bandaide. It is nearly impossible to help someone if you have no clue what he needs help with.

Over the last few months he has tried many times to get his mother to understand that his addiction was in full swing when he met me, and I had no part in creating the mess his life has been.

But after 5 months and multiple attempted confessions, she still refuses to believe that this is not my fault.
I say attempted confessions because every time he tries to explain the truth she cuts him off with stuff like " if she had not of been so terrible to you, then you would not have felt lonley and would not have needed to have special friends, you needed someone to talk to and to give you the support that she was not giving you" blah blah blah on and on. 

Here is the thing, he was addicted for many years before I met him, he was actively in multiple affairs for years before I met him and those affairs and new ones continued  throught out our marriage.

He brought his addiction with him when he entered this marriage. He also justified, covered his ass and facilitated the addiction by constantly convincing me that I was so insecure that I was imagining the things he was doing, by accusing me of making up his actions in order to punish him for having hobbies and friends, by convincing his girlfriends and family that I was preventing him from communicating or spending time with his family and even his boys.

All of it was complete bs, lies on top of lies to make him feel better about his actions and to convince everyone to not listen to what I was saying.

At the same time he often threatened to leave me if I didn't build a loving relationship with his family.  He often made out that he had to have private secret conversations with his family and sneak around to speak with them because I was preventing him from speaking to them. At the start of all this his sister even said that none of his family has been allowed to have a private conversation with him. Why she feels this way can only be because he had told them that, but it was never true. 

I have to say this about his sister though, she and her husband may be the only ones in his family that truly understands that his choices have nothing to do with me. She is also the only one in his family that will and does refuse to accept an excuse or justification from him. She knows the details and understands how he got to this point, but she does not allow him to use it as an excuse to live in addiction at all and when I refer to his family not listening or blaming me, I honestly am never refering to his sister, she is one of two people who I trust to rationally look at this chaos and call my husband out if he is wrong, or me for that matter. Things have not always been that way but some how his sister realized from the start of this that this mess was her brother's doing and my issues had been brought on largely by his actions. 

Even with the recent attempted confessions nothing has changed with his mother I over heard his mother blaming me just the other day, all the while my husband was trying to tell her the truth.

Here is the thing about addicts and excuses, the only way to overcome an addiction is to face the addiction and all the baggage that comes with it. The support network of the addict has to be strong and willing to call the addict out when they are thinking and acting in addiction rather than reality. So every time one of the support network hands the addict an excuse for living, thinking and acting in addiction mode, that person has litteraly pushed the addict two steps backward and two steps closer to returning to their addiction. So why on earth his mother keeps handing him excuses via laying the blame on me is beyond me. 

Even after he sat down and wrote a very long email ( so that she could not interupt him when he tried to tell her stuff ) he went back to many years ago, as a teenager, when his addiction began, he laid it out to his parents how it all started, how it progressed and how he litterally mentally abused me in order to feed his addiction. 

Still the response was not " Thank God Latrell chose to stay and help you" or " so sorry we didn't realize that you had painted such a faulse picture of her" or even a simple " OK we accept that she is not the cause of your actions"  or maybe " we are thankful that she helped you face your demons and get the help you need" nothing beyond yeah Latrell has bore the brunt of it and that is to her credit. As if I have so many things against me that they now keep tabs to see if I can ever get more credit than charges? How about saying yes we have faulsly accused her, judged her wrongly and scrutinized her publicly and that is wrong of us and we will be more aware of the situation and the truth in the future and not jump to the conclusion that she is doing horrible things to our son. Thst of course would be to much to ask.

As expected there was a lot of discussion about the start of his addiction, there was a lot of missing puzzle pieces suddenly making things make sense now, but not really any  acknowledgement of the fact that the way they have treated me was wrong. 

The excuses and justifications are more than I can force myself to deal with and the constant blame for his actions is becoming to much for me to deal with. 

To top it off I personally sent an email to address issues I needed addressed and that was cometely ignored. It is frustrating and really becoming to much  

I was writing this when his phone rang, as he paced back and forth talking to his mother, I was so proud of him, she brought up a subject completely unrelated to all our issues and he calmly disagreed with her and stood his ground when she made excuses.

Then he knocked away another piece of my heart as he got into the subject of our issues and couldn't stand his ground and outright say " look I have told you many times I lied to you about how Latrell treats me and this non-stop blaming her for my actions is wrong and unacceptable" why is it so hard for him to make this disastrous mess right? Why can he stand his ground and clearly state his feelings about other issues but not about how his mother treats me? Why is that? 

Thinking Spot ....

Monday, August 25, 2014

When My Mind Refuses to Shut Down

Found this moth the other day, the pic does not do him justice, he was huge and pretty, like a black and white photo that you can't stop looking at.

The moth is just a positive start to my posts, because some times I just need to start on a positive note.

On to the real topic… I find myself not sleeping nearly enough most of the time. My mind refuses to shut down and let me rest. I often think about the things my husband has done and what he has not yet told me about. 

Today I also remembered some really bad things about my mother.  Years ago my cousin came to live with us because she had had a mixed race baby and her parents were at their wits end with her. The baby was the last draw, she had been in and out of group homes and foster homes. She is the person who introduced my brother to huffing. I know this because the day we picked her up I was instructed to go into her bedroom and wait with her while the adults talked, I was in her room for less than 30 seconds before she was telling me, trying to show me, how to huff deodorant and get high. I was very clear with her that I didn't want any part of it. It was not to many months after that day that my brother was starting his spiral into addiction.

During the time my cousin lived with us she turned 18 and my mother and her went and took her baby back from her parents.  It wasn't long before my parents adopted her baby. 

During this time my mother was not nice to my cousin, she made her cook and clean and work nonstop like a slave. At first I was relieved to not have to do it all, but I quickly realized that my mother was abusive to my cousin. I have always had a lot of guilt about my mother's abuse of my cousin,  I was 12 years old and had lived through my fare share of abuse, but I also knew that the abuse my cousin was suffering would have been mine to bare if my cousin had not of moved in with us. 

My brother and his friend were happy to have my cousin around, she liked sex and would sneak up at night and have sex with them all the time.  Before long she was pregnant. The pregnancy is another story for another time, but the basic issue here was that one night my mother caught my cousin coming out of the bathroom and my brother in the bathroom completely naked. My mother twisted it into my cousin peeping on my brother. Twisted or not my mother had to question who was the father of these soon to be born set of twins. 

Which brings me to the things that were on my mind today. My mother always said it don't hurt the baby to back hand you in your face. She believed this and smacked my cousin often. On this particular day my mother was a war path, the pregnancy had taking a bad turn, due to my cousin huffing what ever she could get her hands on one of the twins had died and the doctors did an emergency C-section to save the remaining twin. Just days later, with staples in her belly and doctors orders to rest my cousin was being forced to cook and clean. My mother was beside her self because she knew there was a possibility that her son had fathered those twins, one of which was now dead.  Before long my mother's yelling and cussing at my cousin turned to my mother hitting and punching my cousin. At one point my mother punched her so hard in the face that my cousin's tooth put a gash in my mother's knuckle.  My mother of course blamed this on my cousin and became even more enraged. I was holding the baby just outside of the kitchen door, I needed a bottle for him but my mother was in a rage,   my cousin was in the kitchen floor crying and my mother was smacking her around because my cousin refused to tell my mother who the father of the twins was.  My cousin most likely couldn't tell her she had been sneaking around and sleeping with my brother and his friends, she probably didn't know who it was. But my mother was not willing to hear this, instead she began berating my cousin for causing this gash on my mother's hand, my mother pulled open a drawer, grabbed a rolling pin, forced my cousin's hand on to the drawer and drew back the rolling pin.... I yelled at my mother which made her turn and look at me, I said "this has gone to far, you can not smash someone's wrist because they don't do what you want" my mother looked at me as calmly insane as could be and said "well she broke my knuckle so I am going to break her hand "   I some how managed to get my mother to stop I can't recall how I did that though. I just know that if I had of not stepped in my cousin would have probably never used her hand again because my mother was in a rage and really didn't care how her actions affected anyone besides her and her son. 

This wasn't the only beating that my cousin took off of my mother, but I do think it was the worst and the one that stuck with me my whole life, it is the reason I flee when I am mad, why I tell people to go away and leave me alone, the reason why I push people away instead of talking about my feelings... I never want to be that person that is so enraged that I loose control of my senses and beat someone like my mother did. I often feel that rage, I often think I could easily hurt someone, but I ALWAYS  leave, I go away from who ever I am mad at and I stay away until I am calm and rational enough to control my own anger.  I never will allow myself to be the abusive person that my mother was and I often wonder what happened in her life to make her that way? 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Catch Up Time!

So I have not written anything in a while, I am not avoiding my plethora of issues to be sorted through, it just happens that I have been extremely busy.

Actually, we found a house to buy! It turns out that some friends of ours, who owned rental property and were recently transfered to an out of state location, had a property that had not yet sold. They were in a position to sell quickly and at an amazingly great price and we quickly went from browsing around and thinking about finally buying a house to putting up a new dog kennel, painting and moving. 

It has happened really quickly and I have been very busy. I was sold the moment I walked in and realized there was not a stich of carpet anywhere in the house. 

I hate carpet with a passion! I realize that for a long time my husband often painted a picture of me as being lazy, but as he recently came to me and said " he was looking at what he was doing, and not seeing what he never had to do ". He did not see that it was me, getting the kids off to school or caring for them all day when school is out, paying bills and scrubbing bathrooms.  In 8 years my husband has never cleaned a toilet, cleaned under/behind the washer/dryer/refrigirator/stovetop ect, not to mention the stuff that we take turns or do together, laundry, cooking, mowing or the stuff he normally does but I have to do when he is away. I can count on my fingers the number of times he has scrubbed a stain out of the carpet or used the carpet shampooer. Have I mentioned that I hate carpet? The only purpose for carpet is to harber dirt and make a house feel dirty.  I have spent my entire adult life shampooing every carpet in every house I have lived in, and just when I finally got most of the carpet replaced with wood flooring…we relocated so that my husband could accept a job offer, and the house we rented had carpet every where. I liked the house but hated the carpet. So I was instantly sold on the original wood floors and tile in the kitchen!

After all the standard checks of water lines, electric lines, gas lines, I was still stairing at the floors and mentally sketching out a plan for the much smaller back yard. 

We were granted early access to start building enclosures for my husband's dogs and falconry birds. I took down an old useless shed and my sister and I cut back a bunch of over grown bushes to make room for the animal homes, I am still covered in poision ivy/oak/sumac as a result. Before we finished with the enclosures, we were signing papers and getting keys and buying paint!

My husband's favorite color is yellow, but even so he could not pretend to be fond of the color of the living room. So my little sister, my daughte, her friend and I set out painting. I am terrible at doing the edges and even though we taped and put plastic every where, I am the messiest of painters. 

It did not take long for the teenagers to abandon paint rollers, but I must give my daughter credit, she is really good at taping off the trim and getting the plastic taped perfectly so that most of the floors were protected. Unfortunately, ladder + cheap plastic + messy painter = a lot of cleaning up at the end.

In spite of all the cleaning up the house looks great. My husband did most of the edges and all of the kitchen painting. I did all of the kid's rooms except my daughter painted two of her walls ( solid colors ). I painted the zebra print and details in the kid's rooms. 

( this was unfinished, I put a second coat of the pink/purple and made it all evenly coated unlike the splotchy upper corner in this pic ) 

During this process I managed to print enlargements of some really great shots of the kids in South Padre, and framed them for the hallway. I also managed to bring over and hang our favorite photos. 

We have moved bedroom basic furniture, kitchen basics, living room furniture and a lot of the packed boxes. We have a LOT left to move and none of my stuff has been moved yet, aside from a wine rack and  table that I refinished. But my husband and kids are mostly moved. I honestly don't think I will be bothered to move most of my stuff. We have very little room and as long as I get to bring the furniture that I have refinished ( wine racks, table and kid's dressers ) and the essential gardening stuff the rest can be sold or hauled away really. Even the aquarium that I have held on to for many years is subject to being purged.

There is honestly not a lot that I want to keep from a life that was mostly made of lies and deception, pretty much only the things that I created and I know the reality of. The rest has no meaning really.

In addition to all this work and moving, we managed to get the kids mostly ready for school to start, school clothes, back packs and all the supplies on the lists that the schools put out at Wal-Mart, which turned out to only be part of what they need.

I also managed to order backpacks with their names on them and really cool minecraft decorations for one of the kid's bedrooms. 

And I also managed to make huge progress with getting my sister started in a work program for the disabled. 
I think the socialization will be good for her, she seems bored of staying at home and helping me paint and move. She also seems very shocked that I have no job, maybe because she has never known of me to be unemployed, and certainly not purposely unemployed.

It has been a very busy couple of weeks, I can't wait to get finished and back to weekend bike rides. Hopefully this new house will soon feel like a home! 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Interesting Information

Seems my husband read an article about sex addiction.


First thing that grabbed my attention was the comparison to drug addicts and sex addicts, and that there is question about how early exposure is linked to addiction in adulthood.

This jumps out at me because one of the the women my husband was involved with during our marriage has spent a lot of time and energy accusing me of being the reason that both of my former step children grew up to be addicts as adults. 

Here is the reality of the situation. Since their birth ( even before really ) both children were exposed to drug use. To the point that they ran around in their walkers, in a house that was filled with smoke from the drugs being dried in the oven or the second hand smoke from their mother smoking pot near them. 

Even after my x got custody, the courts ordered unsupervised visitstion, so there were times that I have walked up to the car their mother was driving to meet me so that I could get the kids after their visit with her, and I couldn't see inside the car for the cloud of smoke. 

Pot was just a very frequently and practically openly used drug. There was also meth and a lot of street use of prescription meds as well.

I fought against visitation for 13 years! I also during those years spent several years attempting to help their mother get clean. But no matter what the situation was I ask repeatedly for all visitation to be supervised. The thing is my x saw their rare and random visits with their mother as a chance to get a break. I totally get that, I need a break from my children from time to time but never do I get so desperate for a break that I will allow my children to be alone with a known drug user. My step-chikdren, which I love as much as my birth children did not fall under my rules though. I had no legal way of preventing the visits. 

Even if I could have stopped the visits, that would not erase the damage that was done before I came into their lives. 

I did all that I possibly could. Every adult in our home worked, while in my care the kids had to work to earn privileges ( video games, phones ect ) there was never any drug use in our home, we did not associate with drug users, the kids went to church and school and had everything they needed. I tried to get them counseling but my x put a stop to that when the counselor insisted on family counseling. 

Their mother was not a constant in their lives, she went through spurts of showing up a lot and then disappearing for long periods of time. Her absence seemed to make them want her even more. So when she showed up they were eager to be with her as much as possible. 

It did not matter what my protests were, they were allowed, against my begging and pleading, to go alone with their mother, who openly used drugs around them. Their mother is the person who started them using drugs as teenagers.

Really the only thing I could have done was kidnap them and hide them until they were adults, which is illegal and not exactly a realistic option. 

But lets say that I had of managed to sever all contact with their mother.  According to this article it may not have done any good. I did not give birth to these children and I was not there to prevent early exposure during the first years of their lives.

It makes me wonder, how this woman, who is a nurse, can turn such a blind eye to the reality that I am not the person who led my former step children unto drug addiction. How can her own obsession with my husband over shadow her medical knowledge?  ( and yes it is an obsession, she has admitted to saving every correspondence with him for well over 10 years and has refused to stop contacting him to the point that he had to change his number and block all electronic access in order to make her stop )  

Of my birth children, none of them have been exposed to drug use. They are well aware of the fact that their older siblings have drug addictions, but they were not allowed around any drug use ever. Now my former step daughter was  trying drugs at age 12 but never in our home or around her siblings. My older children are 20 and nearly 16, to date I have had no battles with drugs. 

They may not always make the best adult level choices but they have had no drug addiction issues. 

This whole thing also reminds me of another family member. This person grew up in the same family as me, she experienced sexual abuse at the hands of men who obvioisly also have sick sexual addiction issues of their own.  This is something that has been a not so well kept secret in my father's side of the family for many generations. But this one person in my family chose at a young age to keep her children away from the sexual preditors and drug addicts that could have easily influenced her children. Today she has two of the most responsible, mature, mentally healthy children I have ever came across. No drug issues no sexual addictions. Which in my opinion is very much down to the fact that she prevented her children from being exposed to these addictions as they grew up.

My own children were never exposed to sexual addictions, porn or any form of sexual content and they too escaped the sexual addictions that are so prevalent in our family.

The article also made me think twice about what my children are able to see on tv and the internet. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Emotional Days SUCK!!

Thursday our 15 year old, who has a summer job working at a local Kiddie Park had the night off. So we had a date night. He had signed up for this local club that is for people that work in any of the companies linked to his employer. They have a dinner and social time. We have invested pretty much no time into making friends together, our entire relationship has been about him having secret relationships that were primarily random women that I knew nothing about and a few specific women that he had to litterally run me into the ground in order to justify being intimate with. So we ate our dinner, or in my case picked at our dinner, then quickly realized that we knew no one there and have failed to create social settings in which we belong or feel comfortable in together. It was a very uncomfortable feeling because during the first few years of our marriage we went to a lot of social events and felt very comfortable doing so. But Thursday evening was very much an eye opener to how very seperate our lives have been, especially since moving here. 

Eventually we left and since neither of us was in a hurry to go home we did a little geocaching and then took a walk in the park. In general it was a decent evening out. 

 On Saturday we slept late, late for us anyway. Then we got up and went for a short bike ride on the Pathfinder. On our last bike ride I was ok witth having only my phone for a camera, on Saturday we took a different part of the Pathfinder and I was desperately regretting leaving my camera at hime! 

After that some garden work for me and tv time for him.Then we started a series on netflex called " The Hart of Dixie" his choice, and a really good one too. We watched until 2 am then slept in until almost 10 am. The entire day all we did was lay around, snacking, napping and watching netflex.

Nothing major going on, no heavy discussions, no arguments no emotional stuff. Yet today all I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. Which I did a few times. I don't know why or what brought on this emotional day of weepy, completely shattered utterly broken feeling. But it has  weighed heavily on me today.

I have no idea when or how this feeling will go away, but God knows I am desperate for it to be gone. 

I wonder every day, ask God every day, how will I ever not think about what he has done and how will I ever not feel the deep wounds that my husband has put in my soul. I have no idea what the answer is or how to find it.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Trickle

Sunday we took the dogs out to Copan for a little running and a lot of work on boundries. Came home with enough ticks on the four of us to last a life time. This is an activity that often helps me to clear my head and not think about things so much, the dogs are so hyper that they distract you from the world for a bit.

It didn't work so well this time. Someone told me recently to expect " the trickle " basically meaning that when your spouse finally confesses their sins to you, they are only going to confess enough to ease their guilt. Out of self preservation and so called " need to protect you ", the full truth never comes out on day one of confession. The trickle won't happen in a lot of cases if you don't want to know the rest and avoid pressing for the full truth. 

I want to know every damn detail! That is me and what I need in order to move forward.

I do not buy the " I didn't tell you all of it because I don't want to hurt you " the damn truth is that they hold back the worst of their sins because they do not want to face what they have done, they do not want to let go of their secrets ( most actually get off on the control they have with keeping secrets ) and they think or know the truth could result in divorce.

Well, too damn bad because reality is that with a 100% of the truth he has a 50/50 chance of saving the marriage, a lie/ommusion/secret as tiny as a grain of sand is a 100% garuentee that divorce is coming.

On top of this selfish desire to have secrets, I find it pretty ballsy of anyone, my husband included, to look me in my face and say how much they love me, how much they need me in their life and how sorry they are for what they have done, when that very person has the one thing in the palm of their hand that could let me move forward and try to heal from the damage this person has done, but in the same breath as "I love you so much, I am so sorry, I need you, please give me a chance" comes the lie that will be the cause of our divorce…" I have told you everything, there is nothing more to tell". When infact within days more will trickle out and the lie will once again be exposed.

I wonder daily how many times I am supposee to accept/forgive/get over the same damn lie? I don't know the magic number, but I certainly do know I am getting entirely to close to the magic number. I have had enough of the trickle and enough of the bull shit.

Reality is that when he created this damned mess he had no reguard for my wellbeing, my feelings, my heart, so using concern for me as an excuse to keep secrets is not acceptable, I forgot, I don't remember are not acceptable excuses, if you can remember to hide the truth from me, you can damn well remember what the truth is.  

It is man up or move out time because I am finished forgiving, done being supportive and at my magic number. In the middle of this hell I keep hearing how all he wants is a chance to prove to me how much he really loves me, please give him time to prove it…there is one way to prove it…if he really wants me to walk beside him through the shit he has dumped on us, he will give me the full unselfish truth without me having to push or dig for it, if he don't give me that then he chooses to wade through this shit without me. 

No amount of self pitty, poor me I screwed up my life or any of that nonsense has an affect on me any more. There is one thing and one thing only that can save this marriage, so God help him, if he wants this he better find the support he needs from God himself and get on with this because I can not, will not sit here and take another emotional blow. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Turning Points

On the topic of my marriage again,  Recently I have written a couple of posts about my husband's lack of ability to sever his connection to the cyber life he is so strongly addicted to. 

Yesterday started off difficult, for many reasons, but partly because I had the opportunity to confront one of the women who followed my husband into our marriage. 

Let me say clearly that I do not believe that women pursuimg my husband was the reason for his addiction to cyber affairs. Reality is that when he chose to be inapropriately involved with any woman, that was his choice alone and he  will carry the responsability of  his actions. 

However, with that said, I find it inexcusable for a woman to know that a man she was involved with has moved on and gotten married, and still pursue him. Even worse she had no way to contact him other than our joint facebook account, so she chatted with me, pretended to need some papers from years before. She came back several times asking me to ask my husband about various papers that she already had, until finally she tried when he was the person who saw the message. She put time and effort into trying to contact him secretly. She then spent months telling him how they were the couple that should have been and how they had unfinished buisness. 

Again, he is responsible for his actions, but she is responsible for her actions and I believe she should have to face up to what she has done. 

The result was that she wanted to call me all sorts of names. So a woman who pursued my husband for months and then had an affair with him for years wanted to call me a whore? Ummm yeah. It just happened that my husband saw her message before I did. For the first time in our marriage, he became angry about one of his cyber girlfriends attacking me. It was like something finally clicked within him and he realized he has been facilitating and promoting completely unwarranted verbal attacks on me and he finally realized that it was his job to make those attacks stop, his job to protect and defend me. And that is exactly what he did! Not one hesitation or any need to complement or appologize to her but a full on defence of his wife! He has no idea what his defence of me has done to help up move in the direction of healing and repairing the damage he has done. 

There is a lot more work to do, there are still women who refuse to sever ties with him and he still needs to take steps to make that happen. But yesterday he took the second biggest step toward our future together. 

This was not the end of the women attacking me as I thought it was when I started writing this post. Turns out that when some women make male virtual friends, male friends that they never have a sexual relationship with, but a relationship where the man  has a lot of complements for them and flurts with them, the women then become highly offended when that relationship comes to an end. 

Two such women wanted to take real swipes at me. I, unlike my husband have no issue with publicly calling them out. 
One woman named Elizabeth Peterson who is some sort of hunter and my husband has been following her blog ( http://www.deerpassion.com/p/im-small-town-girl-from-central-kansas.html?m=1 ) google circles and on twitter. Seems she finds it rediculas that he needs to remove women from his social media and believes I need to get my act together.

The other is a woman falconer named Rebbeca O'connor who apparently wrote a book titled " Lift", and the blog she writes that my husband had been using as an excuse to talk to her  http://heckledbyparrots.com/blog/

This woman became very unstable acting when pressed to remove my husband from her google circles. Everything from mad that he insinuated that she would ever have an affair with him, pissy that he was asking her more than once to remove him ( mind you two requests  with over a month in between ) to accusing me of impersonating him and harrassing her. The rants she went on clearly showed she had an unhealthy attachment to my husband and was upset about him not being able to spend his time lavishing complements and encouragements on her.

I honestly think he surrounded himself with needy mentally unstable women, maybe because they tend to stick around and play his game out of desperation for attention? I don't know but certainly find it odd. 

It is amazing how removing most social media and cutting the affairs out of our life has changed my husband's prospective and how he sees me and our life together.

I have no doubt that we have a long uncomfortable road ahead of us but I do feel that the last couple of weeks have been a real turning point in our attempt to repair the damage that has been done. 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Off My Normal Topic.

Today I am going to venture into a subject that is way off track from my usual thoughts about my marriage and my life story. But it is a topic that has gotten me thinking.

Yesterday a few people got very upset because my father-n-law posted a photograph of his mother, who suffers from dementia.

To be real honest I could not care less what any naysayers have to say about it, but just to be fair it was stuff like " she would be upset if she knew you posted this photo ", " Why not put a photo as she was when grandad was alive then, a happy, bubbly full of life lady who lived her life to the full, that's how grandma wants to be remembered. :)" and various comments about the photograph upsetting members of the family, the photo being disrespectful and instead of raising awareness of dementia by sharing a photo why not get involved in fundraising to help find medical solutions to this disease…

There were also supportive comments from family who were happy to see a photograph of a grandmother or greatgrandmother that they do not get to visit as often as they would like. And a few people who understood my father-n-law's reasoning for posting an image of his mother in order to show how devistating and life altering dementia is when it takes over your life.

My stance is that first of all it is his mother, he can share images of her if he chooses to do so. 
Second of all, why is it that if a person is suffering and even dying from cancer and someone photographs the difficult time that the person and their family endures due to cancer, then for the most part people tend to find the photo journal to be moving and touching and worthy of awareness. Much like the above photo of my dad just days before cancer took him from us.

People also tend to support photographic documentries about poverty, drug use, homelessness, war and gangs, as if documenting a visual record of these desperate and painful facts of life may some how help mankind to be understanding, supportive and proactive. 

But start photographing the struggle of a person with dementia and it is disrespectful and undignified and what a terrible thing to do? Is this because cancer attacks the physical body where dementia attacks the mind? 

Do people cringe at facing a disease that takes away a person's ability to make decisions and remember who they are because of the mental health aspect of the disease?

Is it so hard to understand that a disease is a disease, it does not matter if the disease is physically destroying your body or destroying your mind, the end result is the same. Life becomes a struggle for the afflicted and their family, helplessness looms over everyone's head and unjustified guilt weighs heavy on the hearts of the people who live daily with the reality of the life they are handed.

So why is it OK to photography other diseases but not diseases that attack and destroy the mind? 

Besides all of that, how is it that one person's idea of the appropriate way to deal with troubling life issues is supposed to help heal everyone? Do we as humans not understand that we are all unique? We each have individual ways of coping, healing, greiving and expressing ourselves. So if your way of getting through the difficult and painful reality of a loved one suffering is to get involved in fund raising…good for you, your coping skill is easily implemented withsome hard   work and dedication; but what about those of us who are not " fund raising " types of people? What if we express ourselves with art… paint, charcoal, basket weaving, sewing, writing ,photograph, music ect…

Why is it wrong for someone to express their selves and the pain and struggle they are dealing with via a photograph? Would a sad song written about the same person be more dignified and acceptable? What a quilt made of the loved ones old clothes? Do you think dementia fundraising is possible without photographs? 

An artistic, creative person will almost always turn to their form of art/creativity in order to cope with difficult situations and express themselves. So go join the local fundraising organization, go for a lot of long walks, write a journal…do what ever it takes to cope with your life and struggles and let those who cope differently than you do, deal with life the best way they can in the manner in which they find the most healing. 

A few people who have chosen to cope with dementia via photography:

Friday, June 20, 2014

Last Thread

vacation has came to an end and we are slowly making our way back home. 

It has not been a good trip so far. Things started off normal enough, but I was using my phone to bluetooth music through the truck speakers. Some had complained because in the 15 years that I have had a cell phone I have only bought 91 songs and about half ofthose were   Christmas albums. So the selection was lacking. 

I knew my husband had bought more music than I had, but when I logged into his account to see about 60-70 albums, totally 726 songs I was a bit shocked. He never does anything in moderation, he never thinks about how 60 albums that cost $9.99 minimum ( I know for a fact that is a low amount for most of the albums ) your looking at $600 or more worth of downloaded music. However we are constantly " discussing " how much he spends on hobbies…falconry, dogs, music, ect. 

Say $600 on downloaded music only, he has bought another guitar in the last year or so, a mini keyboard for his computer, microphone, sheet music, foot peddels, amp, there is more I just can't keep up.

There is very expensive $40 a bag food for the dogs, swimming gear, hunting gear, electric collars, vet bills ( one dog has a $200 a month vet bill which my husband agreed to cut back on his other hobbies in order to affort to save this dog, but he has not cut back anything ) books on top of books about training.

The falconry cost a fortune for a muse, the bird, gas going to different places to hunt, gear, hunting clothes, hunting bag, books on top of more books and the pigeons he raises to feed and train the hawk with are not free to keep either. 

Recently it has been one package after another for film developing. Amazon is another topic which I will avoid all together for the moment. There is more but I figure most get the point.  He spends a hell of a lot of money financing his hobbies. Some of which he has used to facilitate and hide the cyber affairs with.

So yes when I saw 726 songs costing about $600 or more, and instantly recalled him saying that one of the topics he liked to talk to the women he cheated on me with was what music he had downloaded recently, 726 discussions that he used to make these women more important than me, our children and our marriage. Yep, 726 reasons for me to really not be in the mood to deal with his bs today.

But things got real ugly when I discovered that he allowed our teenagers to download music that had lyrics like " shove a d*** up you a**" I was first put off my the tittle saying asshole and our teenagers having downloaded it.
But my husband's response was that I was looking for an argument and the music was no worse than the stuff on my phone!!! OK on my phone is a few songs from Uncle Kracker, a Rascal Flatts album, the songs from our wedding and two songs for Katie…Roar and the Frozen movie song.

Unckle Kracker is the worst of the music I have, but I downloaded the two albums forever ago and instantly removed any songs that Katie should not hear.  Needless to say my husband was dead wrong and trying to put blame on me so that he didn't feel like a bad parent for not monitoring what he allowed our teenagers to listen to. But he refused to even think about that and just continued to twist things so that I was at fault and I was trying to start an argument. I how ever refuse to ever again take the blame for the choices he makes, so I looked up the lyrics and read part of them to him, then attempted to play this " perfectly OK" song. He became so mad that the stopped the car, ripped my phone out of my hand, got out of the car and threw my phone! 

Luckily my phone suffered no damage, but our relationship is still suffering from his actions.

Mostly I am pissed off that he can be so aggressive toward me because I called him out on his actions yet let one of his  cyber friends curse me out or call me names ( all based on lies that he has told them ) and he can not bring himself to muster 1% of that agression toward them.

I am pretty much hanging onto a thread of hope that he truly loves me and wants to correct the mistakes he has made, but honestly right this moment I am at the very last thread in this rope, and I don't see it holding up much longer. 

He has to want to do the right thing by me, it is like any other addiction he has to want to change and the change has to be all or nothing. I am struggling to see that he wants to completely give this his all, he can't let go of his connection to cyber relationships, and honestly I can't live with them.

I said in the start of this that he had 3 months to give me a reason to stay, Tomorrow will mark  the end of month #2 and todate he has made some changes, but all physically, all sexual in nature. Sex does not control me and it does not heal all wounds, he has one more month to give me an emotional reason to want to stay. I will stick this out and see how things go, but my heart is pretty much back behind a brick wall and he will have to make 100% changes and very quickly if he wants me to be here in a month. 

I can not, will not, allow him to hurt me again, so time is ticking. I want nothing more than for him to finally get it, finally see what I need and realize that he wants this marriage more than he needs or wants any cyber relationship, but it is in his hands to make those changes, the next month will show if it is in his heart to make those changes. I simply don't know how it will go?!?!