Sunday, May 18, 2014

Life Can Be Hard

I have taken great care to not use names or photos in this blog, simply because even though I am not worried about putting my name out there I don't want anything I say to later be used against some of the people that I care about.  But today I am wishing I could post a photo of a couple people. Instead you get to see the above photo. Stephen and I are going to get new wedding rings. I saw a ring online thatwhen you put the rings together the design forms a heart. I love the idea, but want to design the ring myself.  I have made a few attemps but not liked any of them until now. The cross represents the obvious, the design at the outer edges represents Stephen's falconry and the black ring in the middle of the heart is a camera shutter. I am not done and it may change but right now I am really liking this. 

I have avoided writing even though I had told myself that I wouldn't. I have good reason though. On Thursday I started receiving calls and text indicating that my mother had been taken by medical flight to OKC and was not in good shape.

Things still don't look good for her, and to be honest I was struggling to decided rather or not I even wanted to go to the hospital or not. I haven't spoken to my mother in about 10 years, and I wasn't sure if that was a box in my emotional closet that I cared to open. 

With a lot of urging from Stephen I made the decision to go to the hospital.  I needed to support my siblings in their decisions and the pain they are feeling at the moment.  I have my own regrets, such as I should have put our differences aside a few years ago when I heard that my mother seemed to be in a depressed and less than mentally stable situation. I should have forced myself to go and address the issues she had simply to avoid having my siblings end up stranded in life with no idea of what their future holds.

It has became clear that in the past 10 years my mother seems to have became a hoarder. It also seems clear that during this time she wasn't exactly making good decisions and  she couldn't seem to remember the decisions she was making.  As a result I have burdened myself with some more stress.

Things have been plenty stressful in the past few weeks, and as a result I am about 20 pounds lighter than I was a month ago. Stephen has even said he is worried I am loosing to much weight, he simply don't want me loosing weight in the wrong body parts lol. But I doubt with this added stress that I will be slowing down on the weight loss. I personally am OK with that part of things.

I expected the hardest part of this  mess to be dealing with some of my family that I honestly have avoided for a long time. I simply never wanted my children to be exposed to the life some of my family have chosen.

Upon arriving at the hospital I quickly discovered that my brother who was an addict for many years appeared to be clean, level headed, grown up and making really responsible decisions.  I was in shock at first and was trying to process this information. I had heard so many times that he was clean just to find out that he infact was not, so I was a little taken back by the older wiser version of his pre-addiction self.  It is clear that addiction took a lot out of him but the current clean version of him seems very much like the personality that he had as a child. 

During my visit with him we briefly discussed this sobriety and the affects of his addiction.  He has for many years trembled, severely trembled. I have always contributed this to DTs because the horrible shakes came when he was coming down. I assumed his clean state was why he was not shaking on this day.  As it turns out, just a couple weeks ago after four years of sobriety and various attempts to treat his shakes, a neurologist informed him that the shaking was not due to the damage done by his years of addiction, in fact he  has a hereditary disease that is destroying his nerves. A trial on new meds and an almost instant result and I had no idea that he still even had an issue with the shaking. 

Just before taking him to lunch we were talking about the disease and the medication. We suggested he put his medication into a duffle bag full of clothes and necessities we had brought him, then we took him to get some dinner.  Unfortunately. all the catching up lead to him forgetting to take his evening dose of meds. About 20-30 minutes after missing his meds, we were waiting on our food to arrive and like a switch was flipped and he was shaking so severely that he couldn't hold his fork or answer his phone. We had not gone far from the hospital so Stephen quickly went back to get my brother's medication. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever witnessed. Within 10-15 minutes of taking his meds I watched as the tremors eased and disappeared all together.

He is supposed to get me detailed information from his doctor, because this is a hereditary disease. The more he and I talked about it the more people in our family that we could remember having an issue with shaking. It was always put down to one thing or another, but now I am wondering if this disease isn't fairly common in our family?

There was a moment with my brother that I nearly burst into tears, with sadness and a little anger and a whole lot of why??  From the time my youngest daughter was tiny I have always been in awe of the fact that she has my family trademark blue eyes, but one of them is half brown. I often look at her and try to reason where this half brown eye came from. Stephen always says maybe from his family because his father has two different colored eyes.  I however have often  wondered how to find out.  During my visit   my brother said how he has never met my youngest child.  So I pull out my phone and find some photos. As I turned to look at him it was like a ton of emotional bricks slammed onto me.  Both of his eyes look exactly like Katie's one half brown half blue eye.  I knew this, I always knew this, but for some reason, probably because I have put so much distance between myself and my family, I never thought about his eyes when I looked at Katie.

This made me sad because recently I said in one of my post that I was angry at my brother over his addiction, because there is so much of the child he was years ago that I can see in Katie, her nonstop questions, her need to be a peace maker and her need to please people and even her eyes, yet she had no idea that he existed. When she inquires about my family I always say that she has not met them because it was not safe for her to meet them. I have never even told her how many or who my siblings are.  She has met some of them but not all of them.  This in it's self caused me much emotional pain yesterday. I wanted to shake him and say " do you have any idea what your addiction cost you, she is a Minnie you and you have missed out on knowing her"  I wanted to say I was sorry that I didn't believe that he was clean this time, I wanted so cry because addiction and abuse should never steal people's life.

Instead I withdrew just a little, enough for Stephen to notice and take hold of my hand. Enough to control my emotions and move forward with things.  I am certain that withdrawing is not the best option for me, but more certain that due to some of the baggage that comes with deciding to be at the hospital, being an emotional basket case was also not an option. So I opted for a small withdrawal. The easy way out for me, but I am ok with that for the moment.