This video sums up how I am feeling today.
Over the last 8 years my husband has been pretty shitty to me. He admits this often these days. He appears to be truly remorseful for the things he has done.
To say he has been shitty to me does not cover the scope of what he has done. Unfortunately details ( and God knows I am all about the details ) are not something I can truly share because he is not comfortable with it. I personally have felt a need to shout from roof tops that I don't give a damn if he is ashamed, embarrassed or hurt by the world knowing what an ass he has been.
Just the tip of the iceberg…there have been 3 women that he has told exaggerated, half truths and flat out lies to about me. These fabrications of his fantasy world all came about in order to justify his own actions and to ease his guilt.
These women all believed they were special friends and that because I was this horrible person who he had to put up with for our daughter's sake, then he needed someone to confide in.
His bashing of me ranged from me being uneducated white trash. See he took my own admission that I was born white trash and twisted that into me raising my children as white trash and being two illiterate to rise above my roots. He gave the impression that minimum wage or barely above it is all I am capable of earning.
What he failed to say was that I was 4 classes away from a degree in Business when I met him.
He also failed to mention that when I met him I was raising my girls on my own with no child support and no government assistance. I raised my children by working my ass off. He also left out the fact that when I met him I worked at one of the better paying jobs in the area where I lived.
Because of his need to justify his actions by putting me down, these women believe that I get government hand outs in the form of disability. In reality I put 15 years into the military and would have gladly put in another 15 years but the military forced me to take medical retirement and in return I draw a monthly compensation for the injuries I left the military with. I EARNED every dime I receive.
Which brings me to that issue as well. It seems he liked to tell these women that I am lazy and like to exaggerate my pain in order to justify my laziness. Today I may be defiantly lazy because I am pissed. The truth is that before I ever met him I had gone round and round with several doctors, I had exhausted every medical option and the end result was pain management and prevention of further damage. I am OK with cation and preventing further damage, I am not and will not be OK with pain management. I am not willing to be addicted to pain pills or to be so out of my head on pain meds that I can't take care of my children. So I opted to suffer in silence. If ever I say I am in pain, you can bet your ass that I am in enough pain that if it were my husband he would be knocked out on prescription pain meds. I made that choice because I do have children that need me. After I married my husband, in an effort to not be medically retired I again went through the hassle of repeating all of the previous efforts for treatment. My husband was setting in the office with me, watching me argue with the doctor when the neurologist flat told me that I would never be able to stay in the military because my condition would never improve but only get worse with time. He was also there when the second neurologist told he that he could not recommend that I stay in the military, in fact he couldn't recommend that I be allowed to walk let alone be a soldier. He was there when I sat and agonized over being forced to retire from the military because my body has failed to hold up to what ever I was exposed to on deployment. However none of this mattered to him when he was telling these women how I was lazy and like to exaggerate my pain.
These oh so special friends are either so stupid or don't give a shit that he has lied to them. Reality is that in the 7 years I have been married to him not one of those bitches have ever cleaned his dog's shit filled kennel, touched a dead animal for the sake of his bird, sacrificed any hobby they may have wanted to pursue, attended two extra years of college in order to support his dreams or climbed into attic less than a week after having a major surgery with a urine bag taped to their leg in order to help him in his goal to save the bees. I have never witnessed one of those pieces of shit scrubbing rabbit blood off of their counters while the dip shit dog drug all our dirty laundry out of the house and into the muddy back yard. Not one of those self riotous whores have ever scraped hawk shit off of their fireplace or scrubbed it out of their carpet. Not one of them have ever spent a day in my shoes.
Not one of them have a right to judge me based on the utter bullshit that has spewed from his lying lips. Yet all three of them think they are special to him, even though all three of them were his cyber sluts at the very same time. Not to mention whore number 4 who knew the truth since she had been our neighbor, she simply likes being slutty.
I have been very understanding about a lot of stuff in our marriage, and I surprised myself with my understanding of his addiction to cyber whoring. But today I am mad, mad as hell that he robbed me of 8 years of being a real part of his daily life and mad as hell that he gave sluts the everyday part of his life that I should have been a part of. Really pissed off that he justified his actions by twisting the truth until his indiscretions were my fault. Furious that he convinced me that I was insecure, that he told people that I was insecure. And royally pissed that he told people twisted versions of what he knew about my childhood.
And to be honest, mad feels better than insecure and pathetic!