Monday, May 5, 2014

Odd Dreams

This is one of my favorite everyday photos. I love it because I was simply sitting on the back patio and this little bird was gathering up stuff to build a nest, completely oblivions to me. I often feel much like that little bird, going about my life and shutting the world around me out. I am often happiest when I am able to focus on my little world and ignore the things that are not necessary to my daily process.

I have taken a couple days off of the had blogs because I needed a break and I needed to work up to this blog.  I mentioned before that my older brother had became a sexual predator at a young age. six or maybe 8 but certainly not any older than that.

Many times in my life I have wondered what happened to him that he changed from protecting me to abusing me. I have no idea, much like a lot of my childhood I simply can not account for a lot of time.

From the time that my mother caught my brother until we were living in another town across the state I honestly remember very little. I recall my cousin coming to my house every morning before school and after school, I remember getting my ears pierced, I remember convincing my mother and my cousin's mother to let us wear dresses to school in the middle of winter, I remember living in another house where we had ducks and my brother-n-law digging us a pond for the ducks to swim in, I remember walking to the store to buy my mother cigarettes and I remember having a dog. The dog was amazing, he was a huge lab and would encourage us kids to get on his back and ride him. He came to live with us because he had been drinking soapy water from a bucket at the gas station and everyone thought that he had rabies due to the foam coming out of his mouth. I was getting dressed to go get 100 shots in my tummy when the cop told my parents they caught the dog and a store worker had verified that he had been drinking soapy water. He was one of the best dogs ever. He eventually died when a poisonous snake came out of the field and was about to bite my little cousin and the dog laid on the snake, which bit him, he was dead before anyone could help him. 

I also remember going to buy goats milk because I was allergic to cow's milk . The man lived on a real life farm, and  had old cars all over the property and  his daughter and I plaid in the cars while my mother talked to him and bought my milk.  Oddly I remember the man's name and I remember him coming to our house once. I remember him having long hair and picking me up while he was at our house. He told me what seemed like a million times that I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen, he always said I looked like an angel.  The odd thing is that by this time in my life, men creeped me out, I always felt like every man that talked to me or touched me in any way was going to try and touch me in the wrong way, but this man never made me feel that way, he may also be the only person in my life that has ever given me a compliment without me cringing inside.  To this day I don't have a clue how to respond to  a compliment, I just stare like a deer in headlights.  I also recall that  While we were at his house I got a tick under my arm, by the time we drove back to town I was laying in the floorboard of the car throwing up  with a  fever and barely aware of what was going on around me. I spend a few days in the hospital but eventually got over tick fever.

That is about all that I remember until the 2nd grade. We had moved to Hobart OK because my uncle (mother's brother ) and his family lived there, I barely recall my mother saying she had lived there when she was younger, but my mother was from Amarillo TX so I don't know how Hobart OK plaid into her childhood.

I remember very little from Hobart. I recall that we didn't have a car and my mother would walk to the store with all three of us kids and pull a wagon to bring the groceries home in. For some odd reason I remember an Easter egg hunt at a park but I don't remember having an Easter dress. I just remember that it was a community hunt where everyone was suppose to bring eggs but we couldn't afford eggs. 

I remember my mother taking me to someone's house to get a free hair cut and I cried for weeks because the woman cut all my hair off. I had hair down the middle of my back and for some reason they cut it really short. I hated it!

I also remember being on a soccer team while I was there but I didn't get to finish the season because I became ill.  I don't remember much about my brothers during that time. I don't know if we had a normal childhood during that time, the only real memory I have of them was me and my little brother on the front porch and I was cutting his hair, the neighbor saw me and I got the tar beat out of me for it, mostly because I denied it at first.

I remember that my mother was friends with an older man who owned a second hand store where he also did auctions. My mother was at his house late one night playing cards, us kids where with her but I have no idea what we were doing. I just remember my mother at the table with this older man ( I remember his name as well ) and another man. The other man who I had never laid eyes on before came home with us. The next thing I know my mother was getting married, my new step-dad was buying a very old truck and we were moving to Arkansas.

At this point my memory gets a lot better. It was the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade, we moved into a house that my dad's family owned. It was on the end of a dirt road and his family lived in most of the houses on that road. I remember arriving there and sleeping in borrowed sleeping bags because all of our stuff was packed up. I remember having a wood burning stove for the first time ever and I remember thinking this was a fancy house because it had vinyl siding! Vinyl Siding for God sakes, I hate vinyl siding now. It was mint green vinyl siding and I thought it was great.

I remember a lot of good things about living there and for the most part my life was good there. My dad was the best thing that ever happened to me and to this day even though I have very little contact with his family I love everyone of them dearly. That family is the only real example I ever saw of a family.

I probably could have lived the rest of my life in that little green house at the end of that dirt road, raised my children there and never looked beyond that hill. To bad things don't always work out that way. My mother moved us there when I was between 2nd and 3rd grades and took us back to Oklahoma between my 10th and 11th grade years. In between those years were the best and worst years of my life.

Obviously my brother already had some issues, but instead of counseling, my mother always insisted that if you ever saw a counselor then you would be marked for life as being crazy.  Things were good for the first couple of years. I don't remember my brother messing with me at all and we seemed to be back to a normal brother sister relationship.

Then when my brother was in 6th or 7th grade I loose a bunch of time again. What I do remember is that my brother came home talking about how his science teacher was taking a bunch of boys camping and he wanted to go. I remember him leaving on the trip and I remember my parents being very upset when he returned with poison ivy all over his ass and announced that it was only the teacher, my brother and my brother's friend that went camping, none of the other kids showed up.

I also remember that my brother came home very angry and very distant and very different.  The only thing I know for sure is that there was talk about the teacher and unappropriated behavior with the boys, the teacher moved shortly after that and a few months later was arrested for molesting some boys in a boy scouts troop that he was the leader of. What happened to my brother and his friend on that trip I do not know as he never told anyone, ever! 

It wasn't long after that, that I started having the oddest dreams. I would dream that I was at school walking around naked, I would dream that I was walking naked on the dirt road we lived on, I dreamed I was at a friend's house in her front yard naked and everyone was asking me why I took off my clothes. I had these very vivid naked dreams for weeks. Every single time I would wake up in the middle of the night and find myself naked, missing my panties, missing all of my clothes. At first I thought I was undressing in my sleep, this is possible considering that my brother had been a sleep walker for years and often peed in the corner or a closet in his sleep.  

I couldn't sleep because of the dreams and when I would finally sleep I would have the dreams again, but I started waking up easier and faster and finding myself only half naked. I grew suspicious when I realized that every time I woke up only half naked my older brother would be in his bedroom with the light on looking for something, reading or watching tv. Now my brother was never one to watch tv with the light on, he always watched tv in the dark.  I knew something was not right but I didn't want to accuse my mother's favorite child of anything. Life was good and I didn't want that to change, and if my mother was mad it would change I could guarantee that! So I started wearing sweat pants to bed instead of night gowns, I wore shorts under them and then my under clothes, I wore tank tops under my shirts and a bra with a sports bra over it. I layered my clothing so that if I did fall asleep hopefully I would wake before I became naked. 

This didn't work, the dreams got worse and I was still waking up with at least some of my clothes missing.

Then one night when I was about 12 I was outside where we were burning brush during the night. My dad had left my brother and his friend to tend to the fire and they didn't realize I was walking back to where they were. My brother thought they were alone.  I walked up and was there long enough to hear my brother saying that if he really wanted to F*** me then my brother would make me do it. His friend was insistent that he couldn't do it if my brother forced me, he wanted my brother to talk to me and get me to do it willingly. My brother told him " man look she is all into this church and God crap, she isn't going to do it, but I will hold her down if you want it, I am telling you it is the tightest P**** you ever had" they boy looked at him oddly and said "how would you know? she is your sister"  my brother went into detail about how easy it was to slip pills into my drink, how the pills were easy to get because our dad had been having surgeries on his ears and just a little piece of one of his pain pills  and how all you have to do is take it slow and easy  undressing her,  slide it in and from there you just screw until you are through.

It was like a light bulb went on, everything made sense and I was just frozen in place and didn't know what to do.  My brother was still trying to convince the boy force himself on me but the boy was stunned into silence. Eventually I turned and ran back to the house, the last thing I heard was the boy sternly telling my brother he would never rape anyone ever!

From that night on I watched my drinks and I never slept very well, and for years after that if you touched me at night I would deck you like a grown man in a bar brawl. To this day, at times Stephen rolls over and touches me and I fight him off, not nearly as fiercely as I did as a teenager but still there are mornings that he ask what I was dreaming about because I fought him in my sleep when he touched me.