Sunday, June 22, 2014

Off My Normal Topic.

Today I am going to venture into a subject that is way off track from my usual thoughts about my marriage and my life story. But it is a topic that has gotten me thinking.

Yesterday a few people got very upset because my father-n-law posted a photograph of his mother, who suffers from dementia.

To be real honest I could not care less what any naysayers have to say about it, but just to be fair it was stuff like " she would be upset if she knew you posted this photo ", " Why not put a photo as she was when grandad was alive then, a happy, bubbly full of life lady who lived her life to the full, that's how grandma wants to be remembered. :)" and various comments about the photograph upsetting members of the family, the photo being disrespectful and instead of raising awareness of dementia by sharing a photo why not get involved in fundraising to help find medical solutions to this disease…

There were also supportive comments from family who were happy to see a photograph of a grandmother or greatgrandmother that they do not get to visit as often as they would like. And a few people who understood my father-n-law's reasoning for posting an image of his mother in order to show how devistating and life altering dementia is when it takes over your life.

My stance is that first of all it is his mother, he can share images of her if he chooses to do so. 
Second of all, why is it that if a person is suffering and even dying from cancer and someone photographs the difficult time that the person and their family endures due to cancer, then for the most part people tend to find the photo journal to be moving and touching and worthy of awareness. Much like the above photo of my dad just days before cancer took him from us.

People also tend to support photographic documentries about poverty, drug use, homelessness, war and gangs, as if documenting a visual record of these desperate and painful facts of life may some how help mankind to be understanding, supportive and proactive. 

But start photographing the struggle of a person with dementia and it is disrespectful and undignified and what a terrible thing to do? Is this because cancer attacks the physical body where dementia attacks the mind? 

Do people cringe at facing a disease that takes away a person's ability to make decisions and remember who they are because of the mental health aspect of the disease?

Is it so hard to understand that a disease is a disease, it does not matter if the disease is physically destroying your body or destroying your mind, the end result is the same. Life becomes a struggle for the afflicted and their family, helplessness looms over everyone's head and unjustified guilt weighs heavy on the hearts of the people who live daily with the reality of the life they are handed.

So why is it OK to photography other diseases but not diseases that attack and destroy the mind? 

Besides all of that, how is it that one person's idea of the appropriate way to deal with troubling life issues is supposed to help heal everyone? Do we as humans not understand that we are all unique? We each have individual ways of coping, healing, greiving and expressing ourselves. So if your way of getting through the difficult and painful reality of a loved one suffering is to get involved in fund raising…good for you, your coping skill is easily implemented withsome hard   work and dedication; but what about those of us who are not " fund raising " types of people? What if we express ourselves with art… paint, charcoal, basket weaving, sewing, writing ,photograph, music ect…

Why is it wrong for someone to express their selves and the pain and struggle they are dealing with via a photograph? Would a sad song written about the same person be more dignified and acceptable? What a quilt made of the loved ones old clothes? Do you think dementia fundraising is possible without photographs? 

An artistic, creative person will almost always turn to their form of art/creativity in order to cope with difficult situations and express themselves. So go join the local fundraising organization, go for a lot of long walks, write a journal…do what ever it takes to cope with your life and struggles and let those who cope differently than you do, deal with life the best way they can in the manner in which they find the most healing. 

A few people who have chosen to cope with dementia via photography:

Friday, June 20, 2014

Last Thread

vacation has came to an end and we are slowly making our way back home. 

It has not been a good trip so far. Things started off normal enough, but I was using my phone to bluetooth music through the truck speakers. Some had complained because in the 15 years that I have had a cell phone I have only bought 91 songs and about half ofthose were   Christmas albums. So the selection was lacking. 

I knew my husband had bought more music than I had, but when I logged into his account to see about 60-70 albums, totally 726 songs I was a bit shocked. He never does anything in moderation, he never thinks about how 60 albums that cost $9.99 minimum ( I know for a fact that is a low amount for most of the albums ) your looking at $600 or more worth of downloaded music. However we are constantly " discussing " how much he spends on hobbies…falconry, dogs, music, ect. 

Say $600 on downloaded music only, he has bought another guitar in the last year or so, a mini keyboard for his computer, microphone, sheet music, foot peddels, amp, there is more I just can't keep up.

There is very expensive $40 a bag food for the dogs, swimming gear, hunting gear, electric collars, vet bills ( one dog has a $200 a month vet bill which my husband agreed to cut back on his other hobbies in order to affort to save this dog, but he has not cut back anything ) books on top of books about training.

The falconry cost a fortune for a muse, the bird, gas going to different places to hunt, gear, hunting clothes, hunting bag, books on top of more books and the pigeons he raises to feed and train the hawk with are not free to keep either. 

Recently it has been one package after another for film developing. Amazon is another topic which I will avoid all together for the moment. There is more but I figure most get the point.  He spends a hell of a lot of money financing his hobbies. Some of which he has used to facilitate and hide the cyber affairs with.

So yes when I saw 726 songs costing about $600 or more, and instantly recalled him saying that one of the topics he liked to talk to the women he cheated on me with was what music he had downloaded recently, 726 discussions that he used to make these women more important than me, our children and our marriage. Yep, 726 reasons for me to really not be in the mood to deal with his bs today.

But things got real ugly when I discovered that he allowed our teenagers to download music that had lyrics like " shove a d*** up you a**" I was first put off my the tittle saying asshole and our teenagers having downloaded it.
But my husband's response was that I was looking for an argument and the music was no worse than the stuff on my phone!!! OK on my phone is a few songs from Uncle Kracker, a Rascal Flatts album, the songs from our wedding and two songs for Katie…Roar and the Frozen movie song.

Unckle Kracker is the worst of the music I have, but I downloaded the two albums forever ago and instantly removed any songs that Katie should not hear.  Needless to say my husband was dead wrong and trying to put blame on me so that he didn't feel like a bad parent for not monitoring what he allowed our teenagers to listen to. But he refused to even think about that and just continued to twist things so that I was at fault and I was trying to start an argument. I how ever refuse to ever again take the blame for the choices he makes, so I looked up the lyrics and read part of them to him, then attempted to play this " perfectly OK" song. He became so mad that the stopped the car, ripped my phone out of my hand, got out of the car and threw my phone! 

Luckily my phone suffered no damage, but our relationship is still suffering from his actions.

Mostly I am pissed off that he can be so aggressive toward me because I called him out on his actions yet let one of his  cyber friends curse me out or call me names ( all based on lies that he has told them ) and he can not bring himself to muster 1% of that agression toward them.

I am pretty much hanging onto a thread of hope that he truly loves me and wants to correct the mistakes he has made, but honestly right this moment I am at the very last thread in this rope, and I don't see it holding up much longer. 

He has to want to do the right thing by me, it is like any other addiction he has to want to change and the change has to be all or nothing. I am struggling to see that he wants to completely give this his all, he can't let go of his connection to cyber relationships, and honestly I can't live with them.

I said in the start of this that he had 3 months to give me a reason to stay, Tomorrow will mark  the end of month #2 and todate he has made some changes, but all physically, all sexual in nature. Sex does not control me and it does not heal all wounds, he has one more month to give me an emotional reason to want to stay. I will stick this out and see how things go, but my heart is pretty much back behind a brick wall and he will have to make 100% changes and very quickly if he wants me to be here in a month. 

I can not, will not, allow him to hurt me again, so time is ticking. I want nothing more than for him to finally get it, finally see what I need and realize that he wants this marriage more than he needs or wants any cyber relationship, but it is in his hands to make those changes, the next month will show if it is in his heart to make those changes. I simply don't know how it will go?!?!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Not Ready To Go Home

First, my husband got his first tattoo today. I found a few images on the internet and put them together to create a design that represents him…his faith, which he openly admits saved him from self destruction recently, falconry, which he has a passion for and photography which he has loved for most of his life.

Now onto my lack of desire to go home. We have spent the last two weeks on vacation, it has been a great vacation for the most part. We went to Great Wolf Lodge, then we spent the rest of our time on South Padre Island, swimming, walking on the beach, horse back riding, going to Schlitterbahn and relaxing by the pool. 

Anyone would be happy about staying here and living the vacation life. That however, is not the reason for my reluctance to go home. My desire to avoid the place where we live  is based around the fact that moving to that town and into that house was supposed to be this big change and start of a better life. Instead it somehow amplified his addiction and sent him spiraling into the worste part of derating me in order to justify his actions.

I don't want to go into a house that should be our home and look at the furniture he sat on while conducting his cyber affairs, phone sex and video wanking. I dread walking in the door and I dread facing the reality of his infedelity and the pain of his betrayal. 

The rest of the family are ready to go home, I however want to crawl into bed in this vacation rental and refuse to face reality or a house that is not a home to me any longer. 
I will end with a couple good moments from our vacation, walk on the beach, turtle from the turtle rescue and crabs from night time walks on the beach. 


Saturday, June 14, 2014

Things That Make me Go Hmmmmmm

Saw a very interesting tree today, huge chunks of the bark seem to fall off as if it were shedding. Brought a couple pieces with me, I have a crafty sort of idea for them. We will see once we return home.

That bit was just interesting to me, the thing that made me say hmmm was something completely different. 

I wonder what it is that makes a person pop up as a potential friend or interest in Google Circles? 

I could see it if we had common friends or posted about similar things. But when it is a person that you know for sure you have no common friends or interests what makes them pop up on your page?

I suspect it is related to the fact that Google Anylics shows my blog has a huge amount of views from the area this person lives in. So if this person is not following me and I am not following them but they are googling my blog and reading it on a regular basis would this cause them to frequently pop up as a potential friend or interest on my suggestions for Google Circles? 
I suspect so and find it entertaining to know that someone who has tried to break up my marriage since before I was married and had bashed me non stop for 8+ years is so obsessed with me and my life that she continues to stalk my husband ( who has her blocked ) by stalking my pages. Maybe if she is busy stalking us than she is leaving some other couple alone. 

It is sad really that she has no life beyond stalking us. 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Hmm didn't realize I never finished or posted this??

Anger seems to be sticking with me at the moment.

I should be writing about my childhood and working up to my marriage, but since my mother's recent death I can't seem to focus on my childhood. I am sure it is a mental thing, but I am seriously not interested in trying to figure it out today.

Today, during marriage counseling, for the first time my husband  actually showed some emotion about us. Until now the only emotion I have seen is anger towards me and one emotional moment when he was speaking to his mother.

I fully expected to welcome some emotions relating to the things he has done to hurt me and destroy our marriage. I was a but taken back by the anger that whelled up inside me. 

Not to say I haven't been angry at him over all of this, but about 90% of the time  I have been very accepting and fairly calm.

When I saw him get emotional while saying how he didn't think I knew how much it meant to him that I spenf the day out riding bikes with him, I became furious! 

I have spent 8 years of my life begging for his time, pleading with him not to shut me out and giving up every interest I have had and allowing his hobbies to take over my life just so that I could get a minute or two of his time. My reaction was how dare he act like I have never given him my time before! Him, our children and work have always had all of my time. I have rarely had any time for myself because I give it all to them.

Vacation From the Hard Stuff

I have made a huge effort not to think about the difficult stuff, and have certainly been fairly sucessful in not asking questions or verbalizing my thoughts during our vacation. 

It has not been easy but I have managed it for the most part.

Last night we managed to sneak off for a dinner date without the kids. It was a great evening and I should have been happy to have the adults only time. Things seemed as they should be until I hear my husband say " hey, thank you for giving me a chance at a great life" I nearly burst into tears. Partly because it was emotionally difficult to here him acknowledge that he didn't realize he had a great life before now especially considering that I have changed very little about my part in our life,   partly because I know I helped bring the truth to light but God only knows if I am capable of seeing this through to the end, and partly because it is nice to finally hear a genuine thank you for all the effort I put into out marriage. 

I have truly wanted to curl up in bed and cry and sleep every since we arrived, but in an effort to make this a great vacation and a time of healing for us both I have forced myself to get up and do things that the children and my husband will enjoy. Including an early bike ride that resulted in me scaping my knee among other injuries when I ( while completely stopped ) managed to fall off my bike! 

Emotionally I have had to go on auto pilot and pretty much allow myself some time of shutting down in order to ensure I allow my family to enjoy these two weeks. Some may say shutting off my emotions is not a good move but I believe it is necessary in order to leave the difficult situation out of this time. And I believe our children deserve some un-tainted family time.

I will end with a seriously funny moment when my husband photo bombed my pano photo! Lol I love it!! 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Child Versus Adult....guess this never published either.... Odd

I have rarely slept soundly since I was a pre-teen. I often wake up during the night and seem to take forever to fall back to sleep, averaging about 4-6 hours of broken sleep a night. The past 6 weeks have been even worse. I have been getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night and it is never deep enough that I can't hear every noise around me.

Stephen has been nagging me to take meds or see a doctor or something. I even gave this mask thing a try and only managed to lay there exhausted but never really fall fully asleep.

Saturday evening Stephen wanted me to go to Wal-Mart with him, I got in the car saying I feel too exhausted to go any where. By the time we arrived at Wal-Mart I knew I simply could not manage shopping of any kind.

So Stephen ran in and grabbed hamster bedding and came right back out.  He came back to find my seat laid back and I was finally sleeping, really sleeping. I don't remember leaving the store or the ride back home. But onces he woke me up to go inside I was back to wide awake and didn't manage to get into bed untill after midnight.

Since I have not gone to the doctor about it Stephen brought it up to out marriage counselor. Two things came from this. One was that the counselor ask to see us each seperately that day. 

Secondly, not for the first time, the counselor ask if I could see certain things from my childhood are mirrored in my mariage? 

OK, where do I start first…

As a child you expect…need…deserve… for specific people in your life to protect you from major harm, physically and mentally. 

In my childhood those specific people did not protect me. My biological father was part of the problem, he created some  of the mental trama when he introduced me to childhood sexual abuse. So there was no protection coming from him.

Later when my brother started abusing me, my mother went into instant denial mode and staid there until the day she died. Even though she had divorced my father and moved us away from where he lived in order to prevent any abuse from my father or his friends and family, She was incapable of believing that her favorite, first born son was just like his father.  So no protection was coming from her or my older brother either.

My stepfather, who I adored until the day her died, told me when I was 30 that he knew my brother drilled a hole in my bedroom wall to watch me when I changed clothes but he had hoped it was just boyish curiosity. He never attemted to really find out how far or what my brother was doing. Partly because he is a primarily peaceful man and knew if he opened that box the whole family would explode, partly because at his age he had adopted a " ignore anythhing unpleasent and it will go away" attitude. 

Basically my faimily failed to protect me.

In my marriage I have the same basic expectaions…my husband will protect me, physically but certainly emotionally. He would never  bring someone into our life that would purposely hurt me. I for sure never expected him to do things that he knew would hurt me.

I can see my childhood reflected in nearly every  relationship that I have been in. Still to this day my husband can not bring himself to defend or protect me against the very people that he brought into our lives. Just a few days ago one one of his female friends said I was ridiculous and need to get my act together because I wanted all non family women off of his social media. It took him three days to say anything to her and then when he finay did it was 99% telling her how wonderful she was with 1% by the way your comment was misdirected at my wife and was rude.

Now let me be rude to his mother or sister and see how fast he rips me apart and demands an apology right then not three days later. But he is not capable of loving me enough to put me above having female friends. If these people offended his mom or sister I can garuntee he would not have nice things to say to them. However, when it comes to me he can not say or type "what you said to my wife is not acceptable and you owe her an apology" doing so would mean taking his online friend's importance to a level below the importance that he sees in me and our marriage, which he is not now, capable of doing, I honestly doubt he ever will. He wanted, and did, respond in a way that leaves things so that he can return to that person and say I had to say those things because my wife made me, but now I am able to be your friend since she is out of the way. He is still hanging onto a back up plan. 

For me surviving the damage that my husband has done to me in the last 8 years will require a relationship that does not mirror my childhood. I don't know if he is capable of having that relationship. 
I pray daily that he will at some point let go of the online attachment and put us first. 

At this moment I don't feel confident that he fully wants to completely sever his ties to his virtual world. I don't truly know what that means for us. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Virtual - Cyber -Really Means a Glorified Version

I posted a previous blog about some women who believe they were special to my husband.

Today I am working toward having getting us and our home ready for vacation. For me this means packing, planning and cleaning. I always do a serious cleaning before we go on vacation, because I like coming home to a clean house.

This includes cleaning the garage so my car can go inside while we are away.

Above is the already half cleaned cutting board that my husband left out. Here is the spot where the cutting board was left.
That myfriends is blood from all sorts of rats, bunnies and birds. These types of things are an every day part of being married to a Falconer. 

These phone-cyber sluts that he often called to tell about his day, the great day Jez had and all about his kills only got the glorified version. Reality is blood, guts, poop, feathers and fur. 

To bad he never shared that part of his life with them. I might have welcomed them right in if they were going to shovel shit and clean up blood right next to me.