Monday, June 9, 2014

Child Versus Adult....guess this never published either.... Odd



I have rarely slept soundly since I was a pre-teen. I often wake up during the night and seem to take forever to fall back to sleep, averaging about 4-6 hours of broken sleep a night. The past 6 weeks have been even worse. I have been getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night and it is never deep enough that I can't hear every noise around me.

Stephen has been nagging me to take meds or see a doctor or something. I even gave this mask thing a try and only managed to lay there exhausted but never really fall fully asleep.

Saturday evening Stephen wanted me to go to Wal-Mart with him, I got in the car saying I feel too exhausted to go any where. By the time we arrived at Wal-Mart I knew I simply could not manage shopping of any kind.

So Stephen ran in and grabbed hamster bedding and came right back out.  He came back to find my seat laid back and I was finally sleeping, really sleeping. I don't remember leaving the store or the ride back home. But onces he woke me up to go inside I was back to wide awake and didn't manage to get into bed untill after midnight.

Since I have not gone to the doctor about it Stephen brought it up to out marriage counselor. Two things came from this. One was that the counselor ask to see us each seperately that day. 

Secondly, not for the first time, the counselor ask if I could see certain things from my childhood are mirrored in my mariage? 

OK, where do I start first…

As a child you expect…need…deserve… for specific people in your life to protect you from major harm, physically and mentally. 

In my childhood those specific people did not protect me. My biological father was part of the problem, he created some  of the mental trama when he introduced me to childhood sexual abuse. So there was no protection coming from him.

Later when my brother started abusing me, my mother went into instant denial mode and staid there until the day she died. Even though she had divorced my father and moved us away from where he lived in order to prevent any abuse from my father or his friends and family, She was incapable of believing that her favorite, first born son was just like his father.  So no protection was coming from her or my older brother either.

My stepfather, who I adored until the day her died, told me when I was 30 that he knew my brother drilled a hole in my bedroom wall to watch me when I changed clothes but he had hoped it was just boyish curiosity. He never attemted to really find out how far or what my brother was doing. Partly because he is a primarily peaceful man and knew if he opened that box the whole family would explode, partly because at his age he had adopted a " ignore anythhing unpleasent and it will go away" attitude. 

Basically my faimily failed to protect me.

In my marriage I have the same basic expectaions…my husband will protect me, physically but certainly emotionally. He would never  bring someone into our life that would purposely hurt me. I for sure never expected him to do things that he knew would hurt me.

I can see my childhood reflected in nearly every  relationship that I have been in. Still to this day my husband can not bring himself to defend or protect me against the very people that he brought into our lives. Just a few days ago one one of his female friends said I was ridiculous and need to get my act together because I wanted all non family women off of his social media. It took him three days to say anything to her and then when he finay did it was 99% telling her how wonderful she was with 1% by the way your comment was misdirected at my wife and was rude.

Now let me be rude to his mother or sister and see how fast he rips me apart and demands an apology right then not three days later. But he is not capable of loving me enough to put me above having female friends. If these people offended his mom or sister I can garuntee he would not have nice things to say to them. However, when it comes to me he can not say or type "what you said to my wife is not acceptable and you owe her an apology" doing so would mean taking his online friend's importance to a level below the importance that he sees in me and our marriage, which he is not now, capable of doing, I honestly doubt he ever will. He wanted, and did, respond in a way that leaves things so that he can return to that person and say I had to say those things because my wife made me, but now I am able to be your friend since she is out of the way. He is still hanging onto a back up plan. 

For me surviving the damage that my husband has done to me in the last 8 years will require a relationship that does not mirror my childhood. I don't know if he is capable of having that relationship. 
I pray daily that he will at some point let go of the online attachment and put us first. 

At this moment I don't feel confident that he fully wants to completely sever his ties to his virtual world. I don't truly know what that means for us.