Friday, June 20, 2014

Last Thread

vacation has came to an end and we are slowly making our way back home. 

It has not been a good trip so far. Things started off normal enough, but I was using my phone to bluetooth music through the truck speakers. Some had complained because in the 15 years that I have had a cell phone I have only bought 91 songs and about half ofthose were   Christmas albums. So the selection was lacking. 

I knew my husband had bought more music than I had, but when I logged into his account to see about 60-70 albums, totally 726 songs I was a bit shocked. He never does anything in moderation, he never thinks about how 60 albums that cost $9.99 minimum ( I know for a fact that is a low amount for most of the albums ) your looking at $600 or more worth of downloaded music. However we are constantly " discussing " how much he spends on hobbies…falconry, dogs, music, ect. 

Say $600 on downloaded music only, he has bought another guitar in the last year or so, a mini keyboard for his computer, microphone, sheet music, foot peddels, amp, there is more I just can't keep up.

There is very expensive $40 a bag food for the dogs, swimming gear, hunting gear, electric collars, vet bills ( one dog has a $200 a month vet bill which my husband agreed to cut back on his other hobbies in order to affort to save this dog, but he has not cut back anything ) books on top of books about training.

The falconry cost a fortune for a muse, the bird, gas going to different places to hunt, gear, hunting clothes, hunting bag, books on top of more books and the pigeons he raises to feed and train the hawk with are not free to keep either. 

Recently it has been one package after another for film developing. Amazon is another topic which I will avoid all together for the moment. There is more but I figure most get the point.  He spends a hell of a lot of money financing his hobbies. Some of which he has used to facilitate and hide the cyber affairs with.

So yes when I saw 726 songs costing about $600 or more, and instantly recalled him saying that one of the topics he liked to talk to the women he cheated on me with was what music he had downloaded recently, 726 discussions that he used to make these women more important than me, our children and our marriage. Yep, 726 reasons for me to really not be in the mood to deal with his bs today.

But things got real ugly when I discovered that he allowed our teenagers to download music that had lyrics like " shove a d*** up you a**" I was first put off my the tittle saying asshole and our teenagers having downloaded it.
But my husband's response was that I was looking for an argument and the music was no worse than the stuff on my phone!!! OK on my phone is a few songs from Uncle Kracker, a Rascal Flatts album, the songs from our wedding and two songs for Katie…Roar and the Frozen movie song.

Unckle Kracker is the worst of the music I have, but I downloaded the two albums forever ago and instantly removed any songs that Katie should not hear.  Needless to say my husband was dead wrong and trying to put blame on me so that he didn't feel like a bad parent for not monitoring what he allowed our teenagers to listen to. But he refused to even think about that and just continued to twist things so that I was at fault and I was trying to start an argument. I how ever refuse to ever again take the blame for the choices he makes, so I looked up the lyrics and read part of them to him, then attempted to play this " perfectly OK" song. He became so mad that the stopped the car, ripped my phone out of my hand, got out of the car and threw my phone! 

Luckily my phone suffered no damage, but our relationship is still suffering from his actions.

Mostly I am pissed off that he can be so aggressive toward me because I called him out on his actions yet let one of his  cyber friends curse me out or call me names ( all based on lies that he has told them ) and he can not bring himself to muster 1% of that agression toward them.

I am pretty much hanging onto a thread of hope that he truly loves me and wants to correct the mistakes he has made, but honestly right this moment I am at the very last thread in this rope, and I don't see it holding up much longer. 

He has to want to do the right thing by me, it is like any other addiction he has to want to change and the change has to be all or nothing. I am struggling to see that he wants to completely give this his all, he can't let go of his connection to cyber relationships, and honestly I can't live with them.

I said in the start of this that he had 3 months to give me a reason to stay, Tomorrow will mark  the end of month #2 and todate he has made some changes, but all physically, all sexual in nature. Sex does not control me and it does not heal all wounds, he has one more month to give me an emotional reason to want to stay. I will stick this out and see how things go, but my heart is pretty much back behind a brick wall and he will have to make 100% changes and very quickly if he wants me to be here in a month. 

I can not, will not, allow him to hurt me again, so time is ticking. I want nothing more than for him to finally get it, finally see what I need and realize that he wants this marriage more than he needs or wants any cyber relationship, but it is in his hands to make those changes, the next month will show if it is in his heart to make those changes. I simply don't know how it will go?!?!