Monday, July 14, 2014

Interesting Information

Seems my husband read an article about sex addiction.

First thing that grabbed my attention was the comparison to drug addicts and sex addicts, and that there is question about how early exposure is linked to addiction in adulthood.

This jumps out at me because one of the the women my husband was involved with during our marriage has spent a lot of time and energy accusing me of being the reason that both of my former step children grew up to be addicts as adults. 

Here is the reality of the situation. Since their birth ( even before really ) both children were exposed to drug use. To the point that they ran around in their walkers, in a house that was filled with smoke from the drugs being dried in the oven or the second hand smoke from their mother smoking pot near them. 

Even after my x got custody, the courts ordered unsupervised visitstion, so there were times that I have walked up to the car their mother was driving to meet me so that I could get the kids after their visit with her, and I couldn't see inside the car for the cloud of smoke. 

Pot was just a very frequently and practically openly used drug. There was also meth and a lot of street use of prescription meds as well.

I fought against visitation for 13 years! I also during those years spent several years attempting to help their mother get clean. But no matter what the situation was I ask repeatedly for all visitation to be supervised. The thing is my x saw their rare and random visits with their mother as a chance to get a break. I totally get that, I need a break from my children from time to time but never do I get so desperate for a break that I will allow my children to be alone with a known drug user. My step-chikdren, which I love as much as my birth children did not fall under my rules though. I had no legal way of preventing the visits. 

Even if I could have stopped the visits, that would not erase the damage that was done before I came into their lives. 

I did all that I possibly could. Every adult in our home worked, while in my care the kids had to work to earn privileges ( video games, phones ect ) there was never any drug use in our home, we did not associate with drug users, the kids went to church and school and had everything they needed. I tried to get them counseling but my x put a stop to that when the counselor insisted on family counseling. 

Their mother was not a constant in their lives, she went through spurts of showing up a lot and then disappearing for long periods of time. Her absence seemed to make them want her even more. So when she showed up they were eager to be with her as much as possible. 

It did not matter what my protests were, they were allowed, against my begging and pleading, to go alone with their mother, who openly used drugs around them. Their mother is the person who started them using drugs as teenagers.

Really the only thing I could have done was kidnap them and hide them until they were adults, which is illegal and not exactly a realistic option. 

But lets say that I had of managed to sever all contact with their mother.  According to this article it may not have done any good. I did not give birth to these children and I was not there to prevent early exposure during the first years of their lives.

It makes me wonder, how this woman, who is a nurse, can turn such a blind eye to the reality that I am not the person who led my former step children unto drug addiction. How can her own obsession with my husband over shadow her medical knowledge?  ( and yes it is an obsession, she has admitted to saving every correspondence with him for well over 10 years and has refused to stop contacting him to the point that he had to change his number and block all electronic access in order to make her stop )  

Of my birth children, none of them have been exposed to drug use. They are well aware of the fact that their older siblings have drug addictions, but they were not allowed around any drug use ever. Now my former step daughter was  trying drugs at age 12 but never in our home or around her siblings. My older children are 20 and nearly 16, to date I have had no battles with drugs. 

They may not always make the best adult level choices but they have had no drug addiction issues. 

This whole thing also reminds me of another family member. This person grew up in the same family as me, she experienced sexual abuse at the hands of men who obvioisly also have sick sexual addiction issues of their own.  This is something that has been a not so well kept secret in my father's side of the family for many generations. But this one person in my family chose at a young age to keep her children away from the sexual preditors and drug addicts that could have easily influenced her children. Today she has two of the most responsible, mature, mentally healthy children I have ever came across. No drug issues no sexual addictions. Which in my opinion is very much down to the fact that she prevented her children from being exposed to these addictions as they grew up.

My own children were never exposed to sexual addictions, porn or any form of sexual content and they too escaped the sexual addictions that are so prevalent in our family.

The article also made me think twice about what my children are able to see on tv and the internet. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Emotional Days SUCK!!

Thursday our 15 year old, who has a summer job working at a local Kiddie Park had the night off. So we had a date night. He had signed up for this local club that is for people that work in any of the companies linked to his employer. They have a dinner and social time. We have invested pretty much no time into making friends together, our entire relationship has been about him having secret relationships that were primarily random women that I knew nothing about and a few specific women that he had to litterally run me into the ground in order to justify being intimate with. So we ate our dinner, or in my case picked at our dinner, then quickly realized that we knew no one there and have failed to create social settings in which we belong or feel comfortable in together. It was a very uncomfortable feeling because during the first few years of our marriage we went to a lot of social events and felt very comfortable doing so. But Thursday evening was very much an eye opener to how very seperate our lives have been, especially since moving here. 

Eventually we left and since neither of us was in a hurry to go home we did a little geocaching and then took a walk in the park. In general it was a decent evening out. 

 On Saturday we slept late, late for us anyway. Then we got up and went for a short bike ride on the Pathfinder. On our last bike ride I was ok witth having only my phone for a camera, on Saturday we took a different part of the Pathfinder and I was desperately regretting leaving my camera at hime! 

After that some garden work for me and tv time for him.Then we started a series on netflex called " The Hart of Dixie" his choice, and a really good one too. We watched until 2 am then slept in until almost 10 am. The entire day all we did was lay around, snacking, napping and watching netflex.

Nothing major going on, no heavy discussions, no arguments no emotional stuff. Yet today all I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. Which I did a few times. I don't know why or what brought on this emotional day of weepy, completely shattered utterly broken feeling. But it has  weighed heavily on me today.

I have no idea when or how this feeling will go away, but God knows I am desperate for it to be gone. 

I wonder every day, ask God every day, how will I ever not think about what he has done and how will I ever not feel the deep wounds that my husband has put in my soul. I have no idea what the answer is or how to find it.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Trickle

Sunday we took the dogs out to Copan for a little running and a lot of work on boundries. Came home with enough ticks on the four of us to last a life time. This is an activity that often helps me to clear my head and not think about things so much, the dogs are so hyper that they distract you from the world for a bit.

It didn't work so well this time. Someone told me recently to expect " the trickle " basically meaning that when your spouse finally confesses their sins to you, they are only going to confess enough to ease their guilt. Out of self preservation and so called " need to protect you ", the full truth never comes out on day one of confession. The trickle won't happen in a lot of cases if you don't want to know the rest and avoid pressing for the full truth. 

I want to know every damn detail! That is me and what I need in order to move forward.

I do not buy the " I didn't tell you all of it because I don't want to hurt you " the damn truth is that they hold back the worst of their sins because they do not want to face what they have done, they do not want to let go of their secrets ( most actually get off on the control they have with keeping secrets ) and they think or know the truth could result in divorce.

Well, too damn bad because reality is that with a 100% of the truth he has a 50/50 chance of saving the marriage, a lie/ommusion/secret as tiny as a grain of sand is a 100% garuentee that divorce is coming.

On top of this selfish desire to have secrets, I find it pretty ballsy of anyone, my husband included, to look me in my face and say how much they love me, how much they need me in their life and how sorry they are for what they have done, when that very person has the one thing in the palm of their hand that could let me move forward and try to heal from the damage this person has done, but in the same breath as "I love you so much, I am so sorry, I need you, please give me a chance" comes the lie that will be the cause of our divorce…" I have told you everything, there is nothing more to tell". When infact within days more will trickle out and the lie will once again be exposed.

I wonder daily how many times I am supposee to accept/forgive/get over the same damn lie? I don't know the magic number, but I certainly do know I am getting entirely to close to the magic number. I have had enough of the trickle and enough of the bull shit.

Reality is that when he created this damned mess he had no reguard for my wellbeing, my feelings, my heart, so using concern for me as an excuse to keep secrets is not acceptable, I forgot, I don't remember are not acceptable excuses, if you can remember to hide the truth from me, you can damn well remember what the truth is.  

It is man up or move out time because I am finished forgiving, done being supportive and at my magic number. In the middle of this hell I keep hearing how all he wants is a chance to prove to me how much he really loves me, please give him time to prove it…there is one way to prove it…if he really wants me to walk beside him through the shit he has dumped on us, he will give me the full unselfish truth without me having to push or dig for it, if he don't give me that then he chooses to wade through this shit without me. 

No amount of self pitty, poor me I screwed up my life or any of that nonsense has an affect on me any more. There is one thing and one thing only that can save this marriage, so God help him, if he wants this he better find the support he needs from God himself and get on with this because I can not, will not sit here and take another emotional blow. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Turning Points

On the topic of my marriage again,  Recently I have written a couple of posts about my husband's lack of ability to sever his connection to the cyber life he is so strongly addicted to. 

Yesterday started off difficult, for many reasons, but partly because I had the opportunity to confront one of the women who followed my husband into our marriage. 

Let me say clearly that I do not believe that women pursuimg my husband was the reason for his addiction to cyber affairs. Reality is that when he chose to be inapropriately involved with any woman, that was his choice alone and he  will carry the responsability of  his actions. 

However, with that said, I find it inexcusable for a woman to know that a man she was involved with has moved on and gotten married, and still pursue him. Even worse she had no way to contact him other than our joint facebook account, so she chatted with me, pretended to need some papers from years before. She came back several times asking me to ask my husband about various papers that she already had, until finally she tried when he was the person who saw the message. She put time and effort into trying to contact him secretly. She then spent months telling him how they were the couple that should have been and how they had unfinished buisness. 

Again, he is responsible for his actions, but she is responsible for her actions and I believe she should have to face up to what she has done. 

The result was that she wanted to call me all sorts of names. So a woman who pursued my husband for months and then had an affair with him for years wanted to call me a whore? Ummm yeah. It just happened that my husband saw her message before I did. For the first time in our marriage, he became angry about one of his cyber girlfriends attacking me. It was like something finally clicked within him and he realized he has been facilitating and promoting completely unwarranted verbal attacks on me and he finally realized that it was his job to make those attacks stop, his job to protect and defend me. And that is exactly what he did! Not one hesitation or any need to complement or appologize to her but a full on defence of his wife! He has no idea what his defence of me has done to help up move in the direction of healing and repairing the damage he has done. 

There is a lot more work to do, there are still women who refuse to sever ties with him and he still needs to take steps to make that happen. But yesterday he took the second biggest step toward our future together. 

This was not the end of the women attacking me as I thought it was when I started writing this post. Turns out that when some women make male virtual friends, male friends that they never have a sexual relationship with, but a relationship where the man  has a lot of complements for them and flurts with them, the women then become highly offended when that relationship comes to an end. 

Two such women wanted to take real swipes at me. I, unlike my husband have no issue with publicly calling them out. 
One woman named Elizabeth Peterson who is some sort of hunter and my husband has been following her blog ( ) google circles and on twitter. Seems she finds it rediculas that he needs to remove women from his social media and believes I need to get my act together.

The other is a woman falconer named Rebbeca O'connor who apparently wrote a book titled " Lift", and the blog she writes that my husband had been using as an excuse to talk to her

This woman became very unstable acting when pressed to remove my husband from her google circles. Everything from mad that he insinuated that she would ever have an affair with him, pissy that he was asking her more than once to remove him ( mind you two requests  with over a month in between ) to accusing me of impersonating him and harrassing her. The rants she went on clearly showed she had an unhealthy attachment to my husband and was upset about him not being able to spend his time lavishing complements and encouragements on her.

I honestly think he surrounded himself with needy mentally unstable women, maybe because they tend to stick around and play his game out of desperation for attention? I don't know but certainly find it odd. 

It is amazing how removing most social media and cutting the affairs out of our life has changed my husband's prospective and how he sees me and our life together.

I have no doubt that we have a long uncomfortable road ahead of us but I do feel that the last couple of weeks have been a real turning point in our attempt to repair the damage that has been done.