Thursday our 15 year old, who has a summer job working at a local Kiddie Park had the night off. So we had a date night. He had signed up for this local club that is for people that work in any of the companies linked to his employer. They have a dinner and social time. We have invested pretty much no time into making friends together, our entire relationship has been about him having secret relationships that were primarily random women that I knew nothing about and a few specific women that he had to litterally run me into the ground in order to justify being intimate with. So we ate our dinner, or in my case picked at our dinner, then quickly realized that we knew no one there and have failed to create social settings in which we belong or feel comfortable in together. It was a very uncomfortable feeling because during the first few years of our marriage we went to a lot of social events and felt very comfortable doing so. But Thursday evening was very much an eye opener to how very seperate our lives have been, especially since moving here.
Eventually we left and since neither of us was in a hurry to go home we did a little geocaching and then took a walk in the park. In general it was a decent evening out.
On Saturday we slept late, late for us anyway. Then we got up and went for a short bike ride on the Pathfinder. On our last bike ride I was ok witth having only my phone for a camera, on Saturday we took a different part of the Pathfinder and I was desperately regretting leaving my camera at hime!
After that some garden work for me and tv time for him.Then we started a series on netflex called " The Hart of Dixie" his choice, and a really good one too. We watched until 2 am then slept in until almost 10 am. The entire day all we did was lay around, snacking, napping and watching netflex.
Nothing major going on, no heavy discussions, no arguments no emotional stuff. Yet today all I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. Which I did a few times. I don't know why or what brought on this emotional day of weepy, completely shattered utterly broken feeling. But it has weighed heavily on me today.
I have no idea when or how this feeling will go away, but God knows I am desperate for it to be gone.
I wonder every day, ask God every day, how will I ever not think about what he has done and how will I ever not feel the deep wounds that my husband has put in my soul. I have no idea what the answer is or how to find it.