Monday, July 7, 2014

The Trickle

Sunday we took the dogs out to Copan for a little running and a lot of work on boundries. Came home with enough ticks on the four of us to last a life time. This is an activity that often helps me to clear my head and not think about things so much, the dogs are so hyper that they distract you from the world for a bit.

It didn't work so well this time. Someone told me recently to expect " the trickle " basically meaning that when your spouse finally confesses their sins to you, they are only going to confess enough to ease their guilt. Out of self preservation and so called " need to protect you ", the full truth never comes out on day one of confession. The trickle won't happen in a lot of cases if you don't want to know the rest and avoid pressing for the full truth. 

I want to know every damn detail! That is me and what I need in order to move forward.

I do not buy the " I didn't tell you all of it because I don't want to hurt you " the damn truth is that they hold back the worst of their sins because they do not want to face what they have done, they do not want to let go of their secrets ( most actually get off on the control they have with keeping secrets ) and they think or know the truth could result in divorce.

Well, too damn bad because reality is that with a 100% of the truth he has a 50/50 chance of saving the marriage, a lie/ommusion/secret as tiny as a grain of sand is a 100% garuentee that divorce is coming.

On top of this selfish desire to have secrets, I find it pretty ballsy of anyone, my husband included, to look me in my face and say how much they love me, how much they need me in their life and how sorry they are for what they have done, when that very person has the one thing in the palm of their hand that could let me move forward and try to heal from the damage this person has done, but in the same breath as "I love you so much, I am so sorry, I need you, please give me a chance" comes the lie that will be the cause of our divorce…" I have told you everything, there is nothing more to tell". When infact within days more will trickle out and the lie will once again be exposed.

I wonder daily how many times I am supposee to accept/forgive/get over the same damn lie? I don't know the magic number, but I certainly do know I am getting entirely to close to the magic number. I have had enough of the trickle and enough of the bull shit.

Reality is that when he created this damned mess he had no reguard for my wellbeing, my feelings, my heart, so using concern for me as an excuse to keep secrets is not acceptable, I forgot, I don't remember are not acceptable excuses, if you can remember to hide the truth from me, you can damn well remember what the truth is.  

It is man up or move out time because I am finished forgiving, done being supportive and at my magic number. In the middle of this hell I keep hearing how all he wants is a chance to prove to me how much he really loves me, please give him time to prove it…there is one way to prove it…if he really wants me to walk beside him through the shit he has dumped on us, he will give me the full unselfish truth without me having to push or dig for it, if he don't give me that then he chooses to wade through this shit without me. 

No amount of self pitty, poor me I screwed up my life or any of that nonsense has an affect on me any more. There is one thing and one thing only that can save this marriage, so God help him, if he wants this he better find the support he needs from God himself and get on with this because I can not, will not sit here and take another emotional blow.