Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Blame Game

My current mood is about as dreary as the idea of spending a hot August afternoon at this place without any shade or shelter. Not great to say the least.

It has been a rough few weeks with non-stop working on the house, packing, moving and trying to find space for all of our things. The exhaustion surely has made the emotional stuff even more difficult. 

The one bright spot for me was when my husband took a giant leap forward and told his family the truth about, well pretty much his whole life. 

The things that have came out in therapy have been emotionally painful for him and for me as well. I have felt the entire time that he needs his family's support but not giving them the truth, the full truth pretty much compares to attempting to treat cancer with a bandaide. It is nearly impossible to help someone if you have no clue what he needs help with.

Over the last few months he has tried many times to get his mother to understand that his addiction was in full swing when he met me, and I had no part in creating the mess his life has been.

But after 5 months and multiple attempted confessions, she still refuses to believe that this is not my fault.
I say attempted confessions because every time he tries to explain the truth she cuts him off with stuff like " if she had not of been so terrible to you, then you would not have felt lonley and would not have needed to have special friends, you needed someone to talk to and to give you the support that she was not giving you" blah blah blah on and on. 

Here is the thing, he was addicted for many years before I met him, he was actively in multiple affairs for years before I met him and those affairs and new ones continued  throught out our marriage.

He brought his addiction with him when he entered this marriage. He also justified, covered his ass and facilitated the addiction by constantly convincing me that I was so insecure that I was imagining the things he was doing, by accusing me of making up his actions in order to punish him for having hobbies and friends, by convincing his girlfriends and family that I was preventing him from communicating or spending time with his family and even his boys.

All of it was complete bs, lies on top of lies to make him feel better about his actions and to convince everyone to not listen to what I was saying.

At the same time he often threatened to leave me if I didn't build a loving relationship with his family.  He often made out that he had to have private secret conversations with his family and sneak around to speak with them because I was preventing him from speaking to them. At the start of all this his sister even said that none of his family has been allowed to have a private conversation with him. Why she feels this way can only be because he had told them that, but it was never true. 

I have to say this about his sister though, she and her husband may be the only ones in his family that truly understands that his choices have nothing to do with me. She is also the only one in his family that will and does refuse to accept an excuse or justification from him. She knows the details and understands how he got to this point, but she does not allow him to use it as an excuse to live in addiction at all and when I refer to his family not listening or blaming me, I honestly am never refering to his sister, she is one of two people who I trust to rationally look at this chaos and call my husband out if he is wrong, or me for that matter. Things have not always been that way but some how his sister realized from the start of this that this mess was her brother's doing and my issues had been brought on largely by his actions. 

Even with the recent attempted confessions nothing has changed with his mother I over heard his mother blaming me just the other day, all the while my husband was trying to tell her the truth.

Here is the thing about addicts and excuses, the only way to overcome an addiction is to face the addiction and all the baggage that comes with it. The support network of the addict has to be strong and willing to call the addict out when they are thinking and acting in addiction rather than reality. So every time one of the support network hands the addict an excuse for living, thinking and acting in addiction mode, that person has litteraly pushed the addict two steps backward and two steps closer to returning to their addiction. So why on earth his mother keeps handing him excuses via laying the blame on me is beyond me. 

Even after he sat down and wrote a very long email ( so that she could not interupt him when he tried to tell her stuff ) he went back to many years ago, as a teenager, when his addiction began, he laid it out to his parents how it all started, how it progressed and how he litterally mentally abused me in order to feed his addiction. 

Still the response was not " Thank God Latrell chose to stay and help you" or " so sorry we didn't realize that you had painted such a faulse picture of her" or even a simple " OK we accept that she is not the cause of your actions"  or maybe " we are thankful that she helped you face your demons and get the help you need" nothing beyond yeah Latrell has bore the brunt of it and that is to her credit. As if I have so many things against me that they now keep tabs to see if I can ever get more credit than charges? How about saying yes we have faulsly accused her, judged her wrongly and scrutinized her publicly and that is wrong of us and we will be more aware of the situation and the truth in the future and not jump to the conclusion that she is doing horrible things to our son. Thst of course would be to much to ask.

As expected there was a lot of discussion about the start of his addiction, there was a lot of missing puzzle pieces suddenly making things make sense now, but not really any  acknowledgement of the fact that the way they have treated me was wrong. 

The excuses and justifications are more than I can force myself to deal with and the constant blame for his actions is becoming to much for me to deal with. 

To top it off I personally sent an email to address issues I needed addressed and that was cometely ignored. It is frustrating and really becoming to much  

I was writing this when his phone rang, as he paced back and forth talking to his mother, I was so proud of him, she brought up a subject completely unrelated to all our issues and he calmly disagreed with her and stood his ground when she made excuses.

Then he knocked away another piece of my heart as he got into the subject of our issues and couldn't stand his ground and outright say " look I have told you many times I lied to you about how Latrell treats me and this non-stop blaming her for my actions is wrong and unacceptable" why is it so hard for him to make this disastrous mess right? Why can he stand his ground and clearly state his feelings about other issues but not about how his mother treats me? Why is that? 

Thinking Spot ....

Monday, August 25, 2014

When My Mind Refuses to Shut Down

Found this moth the other day, the pic does not do him justice, he was huge and pretty, like a black and white photo that you can't stop looking at.

The moth is just a positive start to my posts, because some times I just need to start on a positive note.

On to the real topic… I find myself not sleeping nearly enough most of the time. My mind refuses to shut down and let me rest. I often think about the things my husband has done and what he has not yet told me about. 

Today I also remembered some really bad things about my mother.  Years ago my cousin came to live with us because she had had a mixed race baby and her parents were at their wits end with her. The baby was the last draw, she had been in and out of group homes and foster homes. She is the person who introduced my brother to huffing. I know this because the day we picked her up I was instructed to go into her bedroom and wait with her while the adults talked, I was in her room for less than 30 seconds before she was telling me, trying to show me, how to huff deodorant and get high. I was very clear with her that I didn't want any part of it. It was not to many months after that day that my brother was starting his spiral into addiction.

During the time my cousin lived with us she turned 18 and my mother and her went and took her baby back from her parents.  It wasn't long before my parents adopted her baby. 

During this time my mother was not nice to my cousin, she made her cook and clean and work nonstop like a slave. At first I was relieved to not have to do it all, but I quickly realized that my mother was abusive to my cousin. I have always had a lot of guilt about my mother's abuse of my cousin,  I was 12 years old and had lived through my fare share of abuse, but I also knew that the abuse my cousin was suffering would have been mine to bare if my cousin had not of moved in with us. 

My brother and his friend were happy to have my cousin around, she liked sex and would sneak up at night and have sex with them all the time.  Before long she was pregnant. The pregnancy is another story for another time, but the basic issue here was that one night my mother caught my cousin coming out of the bathroom and my brother in the bathroom completely naked. My mother twisted it into my cousin peeping on my brother. Twisted or not my mother had to question who was the father of these soon to be born set of twins. 

Which brings me to the things that were on my mind today. My mother always said it don't hurt the baby to back hand you in your face. She believed this and smacked my cousin often. On this particular day my mother was a war path, the pregnancy had taking a bad turn, due to my cousin huffing what ever she could get her hands on one of the twins had died and the doctors did an emergency C-section to save the remaining twin. Just days later, with staples in her belly and doctors orders to rest my cousin was being forced to cook and clean. My mother was beside her self because she knew there was a possibility that her son had fathered those twins, one of which was now dead.  Before long my mother's yelling and cussing at my cousin turned to my mother hitting and punching my cousin. At one point my mother punched her so hard in the face that my cousin's tooth put a gash in my mother's knuckle.  My mother of course blamed this on my cousin and became even more enraged. I was holding the baby just outside of the kitchen door, I needed a bottle for him but my mother was in a rage,   my cousin was in the kitchen floor crying and my mother was smacking her around because my cousin refused to tell my mother who the father of the twins was.  My cousin most likely couldn't tell her she had been sneaking around and sleeping with my brother and his friends, she probably didn't know who it was. But my mother was not willing to hear this, instead she began berating my cousin for causing this gash on my mother's hand, my mother pulled open a drawer, grabbed a rolling pin, forced my cousin's hand on to the drawer and drew back the rolling pin.... I yelled at my mother which made her turn and look at me, I said "this has gone to far, you can not smash someone's wrist because they don't do what you want" my mother looked at me as calmly insane as could be and said "well she broke my knuckle so I am going to break her hand "   I some how managed to get my mother to stop I can't recall how I did that though. I just know that if I had of not stepped in my cousin would have probably never used her hand again because my mother was in a rage and really didn't care how her actions affected anyone besides her and her son. 

This wasn't the only beating that my cousin took off of my mother, but I do think it was the worst and the one that stuck with me my whole life, it is the reason I flee when I am mad, why I tell people to go away and leave me alone, the reason why I push people away instead of talking about my feelings... I never want to be that person that is so enraged that I loose control of my senses and beat someone like my mother did. I often feel that rage, I often think I could easily hurt someone, but I ALWAYS  leave, I go away from who ever I am mad at and I stay away until I am calm and rational enough to control my own anger.  I never will allow myself to be the abusive person that my mother was and I often wonder what happened in her life to make her that way? 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Catch Up Time!

So I have not written anything in a while, I am not avoiding my plethora of issues to be sorted through, it just happens that I have been extremely busy.

Actually, we found a house to buy! It turns out that some friends of ours, who owned rental property and were recently transfered to an out of state location, had a property that had not yet sold. They were in a position to sell quickly and at an amazingly great price and we quickly went from browsing around and thinking about finally buying a house to putting up a new dog kennel, painting and moving. 

It has happened really quickly and I have been very busy. I was sold the moment I walked in and realized there was not a stich of carpet anywhere in the house. 

I hate carpet with a passion! I realize that for a long time my husband often painted a picture of me as being lazy, but as he recently came to me and said " he was looking at what he was doing, and not seeing what he never had to do ". He did not see that it was me, getting the kids off to school or caring for them all day when school is out, paying bills and scrubbing bathrooms.  In 8 years my husband has never cleaned a toilet, cleaned under/behind the washer/dryer/refrigirator/stovetop ect, not to mention the stuff that we take turns or do together, laundry, cooking, mowing or the stuff he normally does but I have to do when he is away. I can count on my fingers the number of times he has scrubbed a stain out of the carpet or used the carpet shampooer. Have I mentioned that I hate carpet? The only purpose for carpet is to harber dirt and make a house feel dirty.  I have spent my entire adult life shampooing every carpet in every house I have lived in, and just when I finally got most of the carpet replaced with wood flooring…we relocated so that my husband could accept a job offer, and the house we rented had carpet every where. I liked the house but hated the carpet. So I was instantly sold on the original wood floors and tile in the kitchen!

After all the standard checks of water lines, electric lines, gas lines, I was still stairing at the floors and mentally sketching out a plan for the much smaller back yard. 

We were granted early access to start building enclosures for my husband's dogs and falconry birds. I took down an old useless shed and my sister and I cut back a bunch of over grown bushes to make room for the animal homes, I am still covered in poision ivy/oak/sumac as a result. Before we finished with the enclosures, we were signing papers and getting keys and buying paint!

My husband's favorite color is yellow, but even so he could not pretend to be fond of the color of the living room. So my little sister, my daughte, her friend and I set out painting. I am terrible at doing the edges and even though we taped and put plastic every where, I am the messiest of painters. 

It did not take long for the teenagers to abandon paint rollers, but I must give my daughter credit, she is really good at taping off the trim and getting the plastic taped perfectly so that most of the floors were protected. Unfortunately, ladder + cheap plastic + messy painter = a lot of cleaning up at the end.

In spite of all the cleaning up the house looks great. My husband did most of the edges and all of the kitchen painting. I did all of the kid's rooms except my daughter painted two of her walls ( solid colors ). I painted the zebra print and details in the kid's rooms. 

( this was unfinished, I put a second coat of the pink/purple and made it all evenly coated unlike the splotchy upper corner in this pic ) 

During this process I managed to print enlargements of some really great shots of the kids in South Padre, and framed them for the hallway. I also managed to bring over and hang our favorite photos. 

We have moved bedroom basic furniture, kitchen basics, living room furniture and a lot of the packed boxes. We have a LOT left to move and none of my stuff has been moved yet, aside from a wine rack and  table that I refinished. But my husband and kids are mostly moved. I honestly don't think I will be bothered to move most of my stuff. We have very little room and as long as I get to bring the furniture that I have refinished ( wine racks, table and kid's dressers ) and the essential gardening stuff the rest can be sold or hauled away really. Even the aquarium that I have held on to for many years is subject to being purged.

There is honestly not a lot that I want to keep from a life that was mostly made of lies and deception, pretty much only the things that I created and I know the reality of. The rest has no meaning really.

In addition to all this work and moving, we managed to get the kids mostly ready for school to start, school clothes, back packs and all the supplies on the lists that the schools put out at Wal-Mart, which turned out to only be part of what they need.

I also managed to order backpacks with their names on them and really cool minecraft decorations for one of the kid's bedrooms. 

And I also managed to make huge progress with getting my sister started in a work program for the disabled. 
I think the socialization will be good for her, she seems bored of staying at home and helping me paint and move. She also seems very shocked that I have no job, maybe because she has never known of me to be unemployed, and certainly not purposely unemployed.

It has been a very busy couple of weeks, I can't wait to get finished and back to weekend bike rides. Hopefully this new house will soon feel like a home!