Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Blame Game

My current mood is about as dreary as the idea of spending a hot August afternoon at this place without any shade or shelter. Not great to say the least.

It has been a rough few weeks with non-stop working on the house, packing, moving and trying to find space for all of our things. The exhaustion surely has made the emotional stuff even more difficult. 

The one bright spot for me was when my husband took a giant leap forward and told his family the truth about, well pretty much his whole life. 

The things that have came out in therapy have been emotionally painful for him and for me as well. I have felt the entire time that he needs his family's support but not giving them the truth, the full truth pretty much compares to attempting to treat cancer with a bandaide. It is nearly impossible to help someone if you have no clue what he needs help with.

Over the last few months he has tried many times to get his mother to understand that his addiction was in full swing when he met me, and I had no part in creating the mess his life has been.

But after 5 months and multiple attempted confessions, she still refuses to believe that this is not my fault.
I say attempted confessions because every time he tries to explain the truth she cuts him off with stuff like " if she had not of been so terrible to you, then you would not have felt lonley and would not have needed to have special friends, you needed someone to talk to and to give you the support that she was not giving you" blah blah blah on and on. 

Here is the thing, he was addicted for many years before I met him, he was actively in multiple affairs for years before I met him and those affairs and new ones continued  throught out our marriage.

He brought his addiction with him when he entered this marriage. He also justified, covered his ass and facilitated the addiction by constantly convincing me that I was so insecure that I was imagining the things he was doing, by accusing me of making up his actions in order to punish him for having hobbies and friends, by convincing his girlfriends and family that I was preventing him from communicating or spending time with his family and even his boys.

All of it was complete bs, lies on top of lies to make him feel better about his actions and to convince everyone to not listen to what I was saying.

At the same time he often threatened to leave me if I didn't build a loving relationship with his family.  He often made out that he had to have private secret conversations with his family and sneak around to speak with them because I was preventing him from speaking to them. At the start of all this his sister even said that none of his family has been allowed to have a private conversation with him. Why she feels this way can only be because he had told them that, but it was never true. 

I have to say this about his sister though, she and her husband may be the only ones in his family that truly understands that his choices have nothing to do with me. She is also the only one in his family that will and does refuse to accept an excuse or justification from him. She knows the details and understands how he got to this point, but she does not allow him to use it as an excuse to live in addiction at all and when I refer to his family not listening or blaming me, I honestly am never refering to his sister, she is one of two people who I trust to rationally look at this chaos and call my husband out if he is wrong, or me for that matter. Things have not always been that way but some how his sister realized from the start of this that this mess was her brother's doing and my issues had been brought on largely by his actions. 

Even with the recent attempted confessions nothing has changed with his mother I over heard his mother blaming me just the other day, all the while my husband was trying to tell her the truth.

Here is the thing about addicts and excuses, the only way to overcome an addiction is to face the addiction and all the baggage that comes with it. The support network of the addict has to be strong and willing to call the addict out when they are thinking and acting in addiction rather than reality. So every time one of the support network hands the addict an excuse for living, thinking and acting in addiction mode, that person has litteraly pushed the addict two steps backward and two steps closer to returning to their addiction. So why on earth his mother keeps handing him excuses via laying the blame on me is beyond me. 

Even after he sat down and wrote a very long email ( so that she could not interupt him when he tried to tell her stuff ) he went back to many years ago, as a teenager, when his addiction began, he laid it out to his parents how it all started, how it progressed and how he litterally mentally abused me in order to feed his addiction. 

Still the response was not " Thank God Latrell chose to stay and help you" or " so sorry we didn't realize that you had painted such a faulse picture of her" or even a simple " OK we accept that she is not the cause of your actions"  or maybe " we are thankful that she helped you face your demons and get the help you need" nothing beyond yeah Latrell has bore the brunt of it and that is to her credit. As if I have so many things against me that they now keep tabs to see if I can ever get more credit than charges? How about saying yes we have faulsly accused her, judged her wrongly and scrutinized her publicly and that is wrong of us and we will be more aware of the situation and the truth in the future and not jump to the conclusion that she is doing horrible things to our son. Thst of course would be to much to ask.

As expected there was a lot of discussion about the start of his addiction, there was a lot of missing puzzle pieces suddenly making things make sense now, but not really any  acknowledgement of the fact that the way they have treated me was wrong. 

The excuses and justifications are more than I can force myself to deal with and the constant blame for his actions is becoming to much for me to deal with. 

To top it off I personally sent an email to address issues I needed addressed and that was cometely ignored. It is frustrating and really becoming to much  

I was writing this when his phone rang, as he paced back and forth talking to his mother, I was so proud of him, she brought up a subject completely unrelated to all our issues and he calmly disagreed with her and stood his ground when she made excuses.

Then he knocked away another piece of my heart as he got into the subject of our issues and couldn't stand his ground and outright say " look I have told you many times I lied to you about how Latrell treats me and this non-stop blaming her for my actions is wrong and unacceptable" why is it so hard for him to make this disastrous mess right? Why can he stand his ground and clearly state his feelings about other issues but not about how his mother treats me? Why is that? 

Thinking Spot ....